Between Fire and Ice
by Casey's Cupcake
Summary: Madeleine Coventry was just walking through her life, not living it. After losing her 1st love at a young age and a suffering a painful divorce later in life, feel felt inadequate as a woman. Kelly Severide changed all of that. He gave her passion and hope...until one of his fellow "brothers"...someone from her past...changes everything.
1. Chapter 1

CHAPTER 1

I felt disoriented and had no idea what time it was as I slowly opened one eye. Judging from the pounding in my head, Kelly and I must have killed those three bottles of Pinot Noir last night...either that or the Lincoln Park High School Band was marching across my forehead. I couldn't focus on anything in the room and I silently prayed that it was Saturday and that I didn't have to jump out of bed and hastily get ready for work. Too many times now, I had arrived late wearing a crumpled blouse from my bedroom floor where Kelly had flung it, paired with a skirt that didn't match because I couldn't open my eyes wide enough to see straight. When will I ever learn that drinking copious amounts of any alcohol gives me a massive headache? More importantly, when will I ever learn to say no to Kelly? Probably never. Who was I kidding? He could get me to do just about anything these days and I was fairly certain that it would mean my eventual demise, both personally and professionally.

I had been dating Kelly Severide for nearly two months and I had lost all sense of time and space...and decorum. Before he strutted into my life, wearing his fireman's turnout gear and smouldering smile, I was a quiet, well respected social worker at Chicago Lakeshore Hospital. All that ended when I blindly said yes to his dinner invitation that fateful day in January he peered over my clipboard and insinuated himself into my personal space. He was charming, confident, had a touch of grey in his otherwise dark hair and had the most amazing blue eyes I had ever seen and if I hadn't been asked to pull a shift in the ER that day, we would have never met. Yet here we were two months later, curled up together in my bed after another night of excessive indulgence in red wine and what was possibly the most amazing sex I had ever had in my life.

He was so bad for me, yet so good. He was the first man I had let into my life since my divorce and I was still hesitant to totally let go of my emotions. The painful sting of having been cheated on by my now ex-husband had taken its toll on my trust. It was also quite obvious that Kelly Severide had a reputation. In short, he was a man whore and it seemed that no matter where we went, one of his former lovers would follow me into the ladies room to tell me in no uncertain terms that he would eventually break my heart too. So I remained guarded, taking care not to fall too deeply for him. I had been hurt before and by a man who vowed before God and our family and friends to love and honor only me. That promise ended up in the toilet. So far, Kelly had made no promises to me. No harm, no foul. Simple.

As I laid in the crook of his arm, I watched his chest rise and fall as he slept. He hadn't shaved in several days and his face sported a thick growth of stubble that often pricked me when we kissed...not that I minded. He was rough and volatile, but I had seen a sensitive side to him that he rarely let show. He had been recovering from painful disk surgery on his neck for the last four weeks and I had actually seen him shed a few tears in rehab, but he would deny it if I mentioned it. A hard candy shell with a soft inside...that was Kelly. I quietly smiled to myself as I slid upwards and placed a light kiss on his lips. He tasted of stale red wine and cigars, but I didn't care. He was beautiful, he was in my bed and he was mine...at least for now...and I continued to kiss him until he woke up.

"Hey you..." he said as he opened his eyes and rolled over towards me.

"You're up," I said coyly.

"That's not the only thing that's up," he said with a smirk as he rolled me over onto my back and positioned himself between my legs. He held my wrists down on the bed and kissed me hard, grazing my face with his beard. No more talking. No foreplay. Just down to business. That was Kelly Severide...a fireman always at the ready. As usual, I was powerless. He led the way as I lost all reason with each stroke of his hand on my skin and each thrust of his body into mine.

We collapsed back down on the bed, breathing heavily and shaking with the remnants of explosive orgasms, I wriggled out from underneath him and got out of bed. As I wrapped myself in my robe, I could feel him staring at me. Had we not just had sex, I would have pounced on him again. His hair was tousled and he had a sexy grin that would make any woman weak. I sat back down on the bed and grabbed the clock on the bedside table.

"7:04 AM...too early to be up on a weekend," I said as I took off my robe and crawled back into bed beside him. He gave me an odd look as I snuggled deeper into his chest.

"Umm, Mads...I hate to tell you this, but it's Monday. I go back to work today, remember?" he said with a grin.

"Shit!" I screamed as I began to race around my bedroom. I had to be at the hospital by 8:00 AM for a staff meeting and if I was even one minute late, my old hag bitch of a boss would have my ass served to me on a silver platter. I pulled a black belted dress from my closet, ran into the bathroom for a quick wash up and a brush of my teeth. I piled my hair into a French twist and grabbed a pair of black pumps. Kelly was standing naked at the bedroom door as I left, giving me a quick kiss before I flew down the stairs and out the door. I could hear him laugh as I ran out the front door and got in my car.

"_Damn him," _I thought to myself as I pulled away from the curb. It was times like this that I wished I hadn't bought a townhouse in the suburbs and that I didn't have a boyfriend who made me act out totally out of character. I tried not to think about it all as I sped through the streets of Chicago like a mad woman until I reached the Lakeshore employee parking lot. I grabbed my purse and briefcase from the passenger seat and ran at a dead heat towards the entrance. I quickly checked my watch as I pushed my way into the elevator. It was 7:57...I was three minutes early.

"_Take that, Carole Bitch Conway," _I said under my breath as I passed my boss' office.

Carole B. Conway was the head of Social Services at Chicago Lakeshore and for some unknown reason, she hated me. I suspected it was because I was blonde, 20 years her junior could fit into a size 10 and was better qualified for her job than she was. She was an old school social worker who refused to acknowledge the huge shift in family dynamics and core social work over the past 10 years. In her world, every child needs a woman for a mother and a man for a father, every homeless person needs a swift kick in the ass and every drug addict needs a twelve step program. Facebook and Twitter were the root causes of massive social decline and the iPhone was an instrument of the devil. In short, she was an old fart who wore polyester clothes, sensible shoes, a sour face and an air of disdain for the less fortunate people of Chicago. In shorter short, she needed to retire and live her life in relative anonymity with only her three cats for company and her battery operated boyfriend.

I sat at my desk and began reading over the shift reports from the previous twenty-four hours...

_...a confused elderly lady who had fallen and broken her hip..._

_...a 6 year old boy with possible pneumonia whose parents are refusing treatment based on their cultist beliefs..._

_...a female college student who overdosed on diet pills..._

The more I read, the more the words began to blur. This would have been difficult to read on any particular morning, but it was infinitely more difficult when one has not had coffee to clear the cobwebs from a night of drunken debauchery. I had to have coffee before heading to the conference room or else I would sound like a babbling idiot. I gathered my reports and notebook, got up from my desk and headed to the break room. On the way, I passed Emily's desk. Emily Morrison was my best friend. She and I hit it off immediately when I began working at CLH. Now a little over a year later, it was as if we had been friends for our entire lives. She was a smart, quirky woman with a wicked sense of humor who instantly made me feel at home in a strange environment. Without her, I would have told Carole Bitch Conway to shove this job up her ample ass by now. She had my back and I had hers and nothing would ever change that.

"What happened to you?" she said as she followed me into the break room.

"Kelly happened to me, that's what," I said as I poured a cup of coffee and stuffed a sesame bagel into my mouth.

"Ooooooo, I want all the dirty details at lunch!" she said with a grin. She was like a giggling teenager as we walked into the conference room together. The other two social workers were already in the room and Carole was at the head of the conference table, looking grim and slightly disgusted as she peered over her reading glasses at us. Her straggly chin length grey hair clung closely to her jowls and I felt my stomach heave at the thought that she probably hadn't washed it in a few days. She was hardly a professional, but then again I wasn't exactly the picture of professionalism today either. Now that Kelly was back to work, I held onto the hope that things between us would be more orderly and normal. It was a nice dream to have anyway.

"Ahh...Madeleine and Emily. Nice of you two to show up," Carole said sarcastically.

"We wouldn't miss these stimulating and oh so productive meetings for anything," said Em, equally sarcastic.

"Showing up on time would be more productive. Perhaps setting your alarm fifteen minutes earlier would help?" Carole replied.

"Perhaps not screwing your ultra hot boyfriend at the last minute before you come to work would also help", Emily whispered to me as we sat down. I jerked my head around to look at her and mouthed the words "_how the hell did you know?" _to her.

"You have that 'I just rolled off my boyfriend's disco stick and out of bed' sort of look to you," she whispered back. I started to cough and sprayed coffee all over the table in front of me while Em sat there practically choking on the giggles she was trying to suppress. That was why I loved Emily. Brutally honest, childlike in ways and always spot on.

"Do I need to call a Code Blue, Ms. Coventry...or can we get on with the meeting?" asked Carole. God, how I hated her and her buttoned up, granny panty, pedantic, old maid ways. Two hours later, our team emerged from the conference room ready to tackle the hospital's

social dilemmas of the day when we could hear Conway bark from behind.

"I'm getting a little tired of being subjected to the 'Mads and Em Show'. No one thinks you're amusing. The two of you had better stay on your toes because I'm watching you," said Carole with a nasty gleam in her eye. Neither of us said a word as she turned to walk away, but Em raised her clipboard and defiantly flipped her off.

"God, I wish I had your balls, Em," I whispered to her.

"Nah...you wear too many dresses. They'd shrivel up and be useless," she countered back.

Em and I agreed to meet at 12:30 for lunch and I headed to the geriatric unit to screen the elderly lady with with broken hip. After a lengthy discussion with her family and initiating the process to get her admitted into a nursing home, I went back up to my desk to complete the necessary paperwork.

It was 11:30 AM and I let my mind wander back to earlier this morning. I left in such a hurry that I didn't have time to wish Kelly good luck on his first day back to work. He had been out of work for most of the time we had been dating and all I knew was the he was the lieutenant in charge of Squad 3 at Firehouse 51. I had never been to the firehouse or met any of his fellow "brothers", as he called them, but had heard many stories about them. It had become obvious that he valued his job and I liked that about him. I called his cell phone to have a quick chat.

"Hey, you...did you get fired yet?," I heard Kelly's voice answer.

"No, smart ass...I didn't and I made it to work with three minutes to spare," I said.

"Lucky for you," said Kelly.

"No, lucky for you Lt. Severide. I would have to kick your ass to the curb should you be the reason I get fired from this job. I called to see how your first day back was going so far," I said. I would hate to kick his ass to the curb; it was such a fine ass

"It's been fucking fantastic! The guys are very happy to have me back. I feel human again," said Kelly.

"That's great, Kelly. You must have a special bunch of men under your command," I said.

"I do. Why don't you come for lunch? I want you to meet them," Kelly said with boyish enthusiasm.

"I can't...too busy...plus I made plans with Em for a short lunch break...a very short lunch break. Conway is riding our asses but good today. Besides, all that testosterone in one place might be too much for me to handle," I said.

"Come on...I wanna show off my girl! How about dinner, then? Mills is making lasagna and there will be cake. I know how you love cake. Besides, Shay and Dawson will be balance out the male hormones, " he said.

I hadn't met Gabriela Dawson yet, but I had met Leslie Shay. She was a paramedic on Ambulance 61 and Kelly's roommate. She was also a lesbian and most likely had more testosterone than Kelly did. She treated me with polite indifference any time I was at their apartment...probably because of Kelly's endless parade of women he'd brought there. I was just another in a long line of his lovers to her. At least that's what I told myself.

I glanced at my appointment calendar to confirm I would be free and planned to meet him at House 51 at 6:00 PM. I knew Peter Mills was the house Candidate and was the designated chef for first shift. After listening to all of his stories, I was looking forward to finally meeting him and all of his fellow firefighters.

"OK...I'll risk the testosterone overload for cake," I said.

"OK, baby...see you then...and you handle testosterone exceptionally well," he said before hanging up. He just had to call me "baby" and make it dirty. Actually, I didn't like being called 'baby'. It was a boys club cliche, but Kelly made it sound sexy He could make reading out of the phone book sound sexy. I finished my paperwork, started my report and headed down to the cafeteria to meet Em for lunch.

"Spill, woman!" said Em as I sat down at the table.

"Too much red wine...Kelly and I naked on my couch...on the floor...in my bed...forgetting to set my alarm...that's pretty much it," I said as I ate my yogurt.

I could suddenly feel my face getting red and I couldn't look at her. I felt like a naughty girl for the first time in my life and I didn't know whether to be proud of it or ashamed. It wasn't like me at all. I was always the good girl...good student, good employee, good wife...and I always seemed to get dumped on, so I was embracing this bad bee-atch for as long as I could. I just didn't know how long I could pull it off without losing more than I had gained.

In truth, Em was more suited to Kelly and his errant ways than I was. She could drink me under the table and shared his love of sports and boats. She was the kind of girl that lived in t-shirts and sweatpants on her days off and loved getting her hands dirty. The thought of breaking a nail sent shivers up my spine. I'd rather spend the day getting a pedicure or baking an impressive dessert than helping Kelly repair his boat. Remodeling and redecorating my converted brownstone was about as dirty as I was ever going to get...and least with my clothes on.

"Jesus, it's a wonder you're upright! You're such a lightweight," Em said as she picked at her bagel with melted cheese.

"Thank God he went back to work today. I need to give my liver a chance to recover," I said.

"And other parts of you, no doubt," said Em, smirking.

"He's invited me to the firehouse for dinner tonight. He wants to introduce me to his "brothers", I said.

"It's about time! What the hell took him so long?" said Em.

"I have no idea how Kelly's mind works, Em," I said trying hard not to define him or think too hard about why.

"But you know how other parts of him work , don't ya?" she said grinning.

"Stop with that, will ya?" I said, feeling totally embarrassed again but grinning like a fool.

"I need to leave here right at 4:00 so I can go home and make myself presentable" I said, feeling keenly aware of how bedraggled I looked.

"Go...I'll cover for you if necessary. Conway will never know," said Em.

"Thanks, Em. I owe you. Gotta get my ass back upstairs now," I said as I got up from the table.

"You owe me nothing. Call me tonight and let me know how things went," said Em as she and I walked to the elevators.

"I will...I promise," I said as we walked to our respective desks. For the next several hours, I would be throwing myself into my work so I could leave early. I wanted to make a good first impression on Kelly's firehouse family.

4:00 came and I think I left skid marks as I ran towards the elevator. Em made a motion to remind me to call her as I ran past her desk and I nodded in acknowledgment. We knew every dirty detail of each other's lives and I wouldn't have it any other way. Besides my father, she was the only person I trusted. She had never given me a reason to doubt her, unlike so many other people in my life. My ex-husband popped into my head for a minute.

"_Bastard",_ I thought as I walked to my car. I quickly pushed the thought of him from my head. Kelly Severide was the man who was going to make thoughts of Stephen go away forever. At least I'd hoped he was. He had to be or else I would never be whole again.


	2. Chapter 2

CHAPTER 2

I busted through my front door and ran up the stairs. I had just over an hour before I was due at the firehouse. I showered and changed into a pair of black jeans, white button down shirt, black boots and a black leather coat. Kelly liked this outfit, so I knew at least one person would be impressed. I drove to the firehouse and parked along the street. As I walked up closer to it, I was duly impressed by its brick exterior and the three enormous red doors. I entered through the smaller door in the front with the big "51" on it and took a deep breath, hoping to see Kelly so I wouldn't feel so out of my element.

I could see several men sitting at a table on the apparatus floor and as I approached them, one of them stood up from the table and walked towards me. He had jet black hair and an odd little mustache and patch of hair under his bottom lip.

"Can I help you, pretty lady?" he asked. _A small dose of testosterone already,_ I thought as he took my hand.

"I'm looking for Kelly Severide. He's expecting me," I said. The look on his face changed very quickly from lecherous to nervous.

"Wait right here," he said as he let go of my hand. He disappeared through a door just off the apparatus room floor only to reappear again, this time with Kelly behind him.

"You made it," Kelly said as he gave me a hug. "Come here...I want to introduce you to the men on rescue squad."

Kelly introduced me to all the men at the table who were now standing. The lecherous little man with a mustache was not a member of squad. He was Brian"Otis" Zvonecek and was a member of Truck 81. He was the house Candidate before Mills. He followed us inside as Kelly took me in to introduce the rest of the crew and the Chief. I had heard Kelly speak about Chief Boden many times and how he looked is exactly how I pictured him...a tall, foreboding black man with a booming voice and a smile that hinted at a much softer side. He welcomed me to House 51 and chastised Kelly for keeping me hidden for the entire time he had been on leave.

"Sorry Chief...I wasn't quite ready to share her yet,"said Kelly. He turned and smiled at me and I thought my heart would melt. He was so incredibly pretty that it was painful sometimes.

Kelly took me by the hand and led me on a tour of the firehouse. We walked down a long hallway, past the conference room and officers quarters. As we headed down the hallway to the kitchen, I saw a man with short sandy colored hair sitting inside one of the offices. He glanced up as we walked past but Kelly was practically dragging me now and I wasn't able to make eye contact with him. Apparently Kelly did not want to introduce me to whomever it was. Just before we turned to go into the kitchen area, I heard a voice from behind.

"Maddy...is that you?" I heard the voice say. No one had called me Maddy since high school. I turned around to look behind me. I could feel my jaw drop as I laid my eyes on the sandy haired man from the officers quarters.

"Oh my God...Matthew Casey?" I said in disbelief. I felt my heart skip a beat as he smiled and walked towards me. Without saying a word, he pulled me into a hug, buried his face into the side of my neck and lifted me off the ground.

"Maddy Coventry-Gage! What's it been? Five...six years now? You look amazing," he said as he set me back down on the floor. _Jesus he smells good,_ I thought.

"Mom's been gone eight years, actually...and it's just Coventry now," I said quietly, not wanting to recall the day I buried my mother or my ill-fated marriage. Matt and his fiancée Hallie Thomas had attended Mom's funeral. That was the last time I was in Chicago until this past year and the last time I had seen him.

"What are you doing here?" he asked. His eyes were wide with curiosity and were just as blue as they were when he was eighteen years old.

Before I could answer, I felt a hand on my shoulder pulling me back around.

"Chow time...and I guess I don't need to introduce the two of you" said Kelly.

"I'm Lieutenant Matthew Casey of Truck 81," said Matt as he bowed in mock deference. I had to giggle at his silliness and obvious jab at Kelly's annoyance.

I turned around and looked at Kelly. He had an irritated look on his face that I could only explain by his reluctance to let Matt Casey know I was here. I glanced back at Matt and smiled as we walked into the kitchen area. The aroma of lasagna filled the room and I could see a very large sheet cake on the counter as Kelly led me towards it. He introduced me to Peter Mills, the Candidate and House cook. Kelly ran his finger along the edge of the cake, scooping up some of the frosting.

"See? I told you there would be cake," he said with a wicked smile on his face.

He stuck his finger in my mouth and I gladly sucked the sweet icing off of it. I knew what he was thinking. Christ, he was always thinking about it. I turned around to see Matt standing behind us. By the look on his face, I would guess that he now had some idea of what I was doing there...and with whom I was doing it with. I could feel my face flush. This wasn't the Maddy Coventry he had known as a teenager or even the Madeleine Conventry-Gage that was at my mother's funeral. There was so much he didn't know about me in the years that had passed since we saw each other. Of course, Kelly didn't know me well either. The only difference was that Matt would have cared enough ask. At least the Matthew Casey I used to know. Kelly never asked me anything. He didn't even know my ex-husband's name.

We sat down at the large table at the side of the room. Kelly was getting our food when Otis, holding a heaping plate and wearing a smarmy look on his face, was just about to sit down next to me when Matt pushed him out of the way.

"You'll thank me later," Matt leaned over and whispered in my ear.

"No...I'll thank you now," I replied back. Matt smiled at me and I was suddenly propelled back 16 years to our senior year in high school. His hair was shorter now, but he still had a smile that could light up the room.

"Don't even think about it!" I heard Kelly's voice snap behind me. I turned around to see Otis about to sit down on the other side of me. Kelly was standing there with our food and a menacing look. Otis smiled sheepishly, slowly rose and moved to the other side of the table. Kelly sat down next to me, but he still had an annoyed look on his face. Funny...he didn't strike me as the jealous type, but he was certainly acting that way.

"So, you're living here now and not in New York?" Matt asked as we ate. Every time Matt spoke, Kelly shot a look of pure pissed off at him. It was the only way to describe it.

"Yeah...for about 14 months now," I said. Before Matt or I could say anything further, Kelly interrupted.

"And she's been with me for the last two months," said Kelly. I snapped my head around to shoot him my own pissed off look. This was not the impression I wanted to leave with his firehouse family and he should have known that. I turned back towards Matt to continue our conversation.

"I'm a social worker at Chicago Lakeshore," I said. He smiled and nodded as he ate.

"We need to catch up, Maddy. It's been too long," said Matt.

"I'd really like that," I said. I couldn't help but smile at him. I felt like a giddy teenage girl again, even though I knew I shouldn't. He was probably married to Hallie by now and had a passel of kids running around. And I was with Kelly. Still, I pulled a business card out of my purse and handed it to him.

"Call me anytime, Matthew," I said.

"Oh, I will...believe me," he replied.

I gazed at his profile as he turned and spoke to Randy McHolland, better known as "Mouch", who was sitting across the table from him. He had been a good looking teenager, but adulthood had been very kind to him. He was absolutely gorgeous. What made him even more attractive was that he was a such a nice guy. Courteous, respectful, smart and always a gentleman...at least he was when I knew him. Even in the short time I had been with him, I could tell he was well respected in the firehouse. I suddenly felt my face go red again and decided to go to the ladies room to cool it off.

"Ladies room?" I asked, looking at Kelly.

"There are no 'ladies rooms' in the firehouse, Mads...the locker room is down the hall to the left. You'll find what you need in there," said Kelly, with an immature grin on his face.

I got up from the table and turned left down the hallway and into the room marked "Locker Room". I walked towards the back of the room, past several rows of lockers and benches, and into the restroom. I entered one of the stalls when I heard two men talking just inside the locker area.

"Did you see the look on Casey's face when he saw Severide's woman? He lit up like a fucking Christmas tree!" one voice said.

"Holy shit! I thought he was going to self-destruct on the spot! There's a juicy story there somewhere," the second voice said.

"If Severide gets wind of this, it'll ignite the rivalry between him and Casey all over again...it'll be like throwing gasoline on a fire," the first voice said.

"He nearly changed Otis from a rooster to hen with just a look," said the second voice.

I exited the stall and walked over to the sink to wash my hands. The two men stopped talking immediately. I dried my hands and walked between them on purpose.

"Excuse me, gentlemen," I said as I walked past. As I walked away, I was quietly thankful that neither of them, including Kelly, had seen the look on my face when I saw Matthew. I was also thankful to know that Kelly was indeed the jealous type. At least I know now that he cares for me, even if it is in the most fundamental and caveman sort of way.

It was after 8:00 PM now as I walked back into the kitchen. The night before and the stressful day were finally catching up with me. I felt tired all the way to my bones, so I decided it was time to go home.

"I'm heading out now, everyone. It was so nice to meet all of you. Thank you so much for the lovely dinner," I said. Nearly everyone came over to give me a hug before Kelly walked me outside to my car.

"Here..I know you'll want this," Mills said as he handed me a piece of cake before I left. Matthew was the last to approach me.

"I'm so happy you're back, Maddy. I'll be in touch," he said as he hugged me hard. He gave my cheek a soft kiss before letting me go and walking back to the officers quarters. Kelly grabbed my hand and led me outside.

"I'm glad you came," said Kelly. I knew there was more he wanted to say.

"I am too. You have an amazing second family," I said.

"They're all great guys," Kelly said. Still, he hesitated.

"Go ahead and ask. You know you want to..." I said, giving him the opening.

"OK, I will...what's with you and Casey?" he asked, point blank. There it was. The question he'd been dying to ask since Matthew and I laid eyes on each other.

"We went to high school together. He was a good friend and we lost touch after I moved to New York to go to college," I said.

"Uh huh...OK," said Kelly. I could tell that he still wasn't satisfied.

"No, Kelly...we never slept together. I know that's what you really want to know. We were just kids, for God's sake," I said, searching his face for some recognition of what I was saying. He grabbed me hard and pulled me to him in a tight embrace, kissing me deeply. I wrapped my arms around his back and held on tight. He pulled away from me and locked his eyes with mine as his fingers stroked my cheek. He never spoke another word as he walked away from me and back inside the firehouse.

I drove away feeling confused and exhausted, but happy. Kelly obviously had more feelings for me than he was willing to let on and I had been pleasantly surprised by reconnecting with a good friend...perhaps a little too pleased, if I was being totally honest with myself.

It was after 9:00 PM by the time I got home. My head was pounding. I walked up the stairs to my bedroom, stripped my clothes off, brushed my teeth, swallowed a few ibuprofen and climbed into bed. I picked up my cell phone from the bedside table and dialed Em's number.

"OH MY FUCKING GOD!" I said when she finally answered.

"HOLY SHIT, I'LL BE RIGHT OVER!" she said.

I had a lot to say and I needed my best bud to listen and listen carefully. Many times in the last year, she had talked me off the ledge. My emotions had been on a roller coaster since my divorce and her friendship and support had never wavered. This was going to take a while. So much for getting a good night's sleep.


	3. Chapter 3

CHAPTER 3

I got back out of bed and went down to the kitchen. It would take at least forty minutes for Em to get here and I needed to do something while waiting. She hated to drive, especially at night so for her to come to my house after 9:00 PM was a huge sacrifice. I pulled out all of my baking supplies and spread them across the counter top. I decided to make chocolate chip muffins. I always bake when I'm upset or angry or frustrated...or hungry; it's something that comes easily to me and the instant I can smell the aroma of something baking throughout my house, I start to relax...and something with chocolate was a double bonus. I set out two tea cups and a teapot on a serving tray. Chamomile tea would go nicely with the muffins...although it would probably make Em gag.

As I was taking the muffins out of the oven to cool, I heard a knock at my front door. I peered through the glass to see Em standing there with a wool knit cap practically covering her eyes and a paper bag nestled in the crook of her arm. I wrapped my sweater around me and opened the door, bracing myself against the rush of cold air that was about to hit me. Em gave me a hug and kissed my cheek. I could smell what I thought was beer on her breath.

"I'm here and have brought reinforcements," she said as she pulled a bottle of Prosecco out of the paper bag she was carrying.

"Are you completely insane?" I asked, half kidding and half serious.

"Yep!" answered Em as she pulled off her cap and jacket. She was wearing an Iron Maiden t-shirt, flannel lounge pants with bunnies on them and fuzzy slippers. She was the most unique individual I had ever met and I envied her non-conformist ways. She was who she was and she made no excuses for it.

"Stunning ensemble, Em...it's so...'let's clean out the garage' chic!" I said as I clapped.

"I aim to please," she said as she curtsied. I followed her into the kitchen as she took out two fluted glasses from my cupboard. She saw the muffins and the tea tray and wrinkled up her nose.

"Tea? Are YOU completely insane?" she said with a smirk. She removed the china from the tray and placed the fluted glasses in its place, then picked it up and carried it back into the living room. I grabbed the tray of muffins and followed her.

"Now...tell me what happened. Did dinner not go well?" she said as she sat and poured the Prosecco.

"Dinner was fine. It was who was at dinner that wasn't so fine," I said. Em and I had never talked about our high school years, so she had no idea about Matthew Casey or what I was about to tell her.

"One of Kelly's ex's?" she said with a grin.

"No...actually, it was one of mine," I said. Em choked on the muffin she was eating and spit it all over my coffee table.

"Stephen?" she asked once she stopped sputtering.

"Jesus no, Em...it was a guy from high school...my first love...I mean...my first serious love," I said as I tried to wipe up the pieces of muffin from my coffee table.

"Holy shit, Madster! What happened? What did you do? Does Kelly know?" she said in rapid fire succession.

"Kelly knows...and let's just say he's not exactly overjoyed, mainly because there seems to be a rivalry of some sort between them and it isn't exactly friendly. I overheard two of the men talking about it when I was in the bathroom. Kelly did everything short of peeing on me to mark his territory," I said, feeling my emotions go from resentment to passion for Kelly and his male attitude.

"How did it make you feel to see...what's his name?" she asked.

"Matthew...Matthew Casey. He's the commanding officer on Truck 81...a lieutenant like Kelly. Honestly? I was shocked. We adored each other in our senior year of high school, but we lost touch when I moved to New York to go to college. There was a death in his family and a lot of problems afterwards. I wanted to stay with him, but my parents wouldn't let me...mostly my Mother. Last time I saw him was eight years ago when he came to my Mom's funeral. He was engaged to a med student by then and I was newly married," I said as my voice trailed off. Even though it had been many years ago, losing touch with Matthew was still something that bothered me deeply.

"Problems? Is that why you didn't keep in touch?" asked Em as she picked at one the chocolate chip muffin.

"I don't know...I never asked him. I didn't think my Mom's funeral was the place to bring up what happened, and neither did he, apparently," I said.

"Soooooo...how did things end tonight?" asked Em.

"Tetchy, I think. I gave Matt my business card. He wants to get together to catch up. Kelly nearly burst into flames, I swear...he grilled me just before I left," I said, grinning at my boyfriend's jealousy.

"Kelly Severide is one hot guy, Mads...you're so lucky to have him...and now this. Not many guys can trump him. He must be reeling," said Em. She was always commenting on Kelly's looks. I don't know any woman who wouldn't. He was stunning and had a swaggering confidence and charm and exuded all the right pheromones.

"Yeah, I know...but it's just two old friends catching up. No ulterior motives." I said. I wondered why she seemed more concerned for Kelly than for me.

"You gonna drink that or not?" Em asked as she pointed towards my untouched glass of Prosecco.

"No, Em...I have to be sharp tomorrow. I'm filling in for Conway at the Department Head meeting, remember?" I said. Without another word, she grabbed my glass and downed the wine.

"You think Kelly will hound you now?" said Em.

"Hell yes! He gets off shift at 8:00 tomorrow morning and I'm sure my cell will be ringing at 8:02. I know there is a lot more he wants to ask me,. Good thing Department Head doesn't start until 9:00," I said.

"You're one lucky bitch," said Em. If anyone other than Em had said that, I would have taken offense to it, but I knew what she meant. She just had a different way of expressing it than most people.

"Come on, Em...it's late. Why don't you stay here tonight? You can sleep in my spare bedroom and wear something of mine tomorrow," I said as I got up from the sofa and picked up the tray. Em could easily drink more than I could, but I could tell there was something bothering her tonight. She had obviously been drinking before she got here and she had finished half a bottle of Prosecco while we were talking. Em followed me out into the kitchen and helped me clean up.

"Good night, Em...I'll wake you at 6:00 or so?" I said as I hugged her.

"Make it 6:30, Mads...and have a handful of ibuprofen," she said, grinning at me. I don't know if I imagined it or not as it was dark in the upstairs hallway, but I thought I could see tears in her eyes. Besides my Dad, she was my strongest support system but I knew deep down she was hiding some pain of her own.

I climbed back into bed and pulled the covers up tight to my chin. I lay there in the dark, my mind turning the events of the evening over and over again. I was finally in a good place, both personally and professionally. Not perfect by any means, but fairly stable and relatively happy.

It took every ounce of strength I had to recover from my divorce and move back here to start over again and now that I had done that, I lived in constant fear that something would ruin it.

Finding Kelly was something I never expected, but now that he was a part of my life I didn't want anything to interfere with that. He awakened a part of me I never knew existed, but seeing Matthew again reminded me of the life I had before meeting Stephen...before making the biggest mistake of my life, when everything was golden and I was in love with the guy I should have married. But we were kids and I wasn't being realistic...or so I told myself to cushion the blow of losing him.

My Mom used to tell me that she knew Matthew was "the one". For the longest time, I blamed her for losing contact with Matthew and for my failed marriage. If she had let me stay in Chicago, I might have been happily married to Matthew now instead of divorced from Stephen and still searching for my life at the age of thirty-four. I couldn't understand why she made me believe that Matthew and I belonged together, yet not hesitate in ripping me away from him when he needed me the most. I don't know the man Matthew is now, but I would soon find out...at least in part. As I rolled over to try to sleep, I had an overwhelming feeling that my life would soon be spinning out of control again but I had no idea why...and I was afraid to think about it too much for fear of finding the answer.


	4. Chapter 4

CHAPTER 4

I was up the next morning before the alarm went off. I don't think I slept for longer than an hour at a time. I'd wake up, think about Kelly, think about Matt, think about Em and doze off again. I should be in really good shape for this morning's Department Head meeting. Thank God Conway took the day off or else my ass would be in a sling. I got up and softly padded downstairs, trying not to wake up Em. It was only 5:30 and she left explicit instructions not to wake her until 6:30. I put on a pot of coffee then went back upstairs to shower and get ready for work. I slowly opened the door to the spare bedroom and peeked in on Em who was snoring softly. She was going to have one banging headache when she woke up.

I showered and dressed, then pulled out an outfit for Em to wear. She wasn't the girlie type of girl like I was; she was more of a tomboy and I wasn't sure I would find clothes that she would agree to wear. I looked at my workout gear hanging there forlornly. I hadn't done any running in the last two months. In fact, I hadn't done any exercising at all since meeting Kelly unless I counted the athletic sex we had. That was definitely a work out that burned calories. I picked out a pair of grey pants, a plain white t-shirt and a black belted sweater for Emily. This should be androgynous enough for her liking. I grabbed some ibuprofen from the bathroom and opened the door to the spare bedroom. I tiptoed up to the side of the bed and gently touched her shoulder.

"Time to get up, chick. Coffee's on and I have your meds, as ordered," I said. Em rolled over and let out a groan. She looked so tired and worn out. She had looked this way for several weeks now and I wondered if it had to do anything with Michael. They had an on again, off again relationship that drove her crazy. She loved him and she hated him at the same time. He could be charming, but he could also be jealous, unreasonable prick. I didn't like Michael. I thought Em could do so much better, but who was I to judge her or her choices. I chose Stephen Gage and that turned out to be a crushing mistake.

"Would you mind if I didn't go into work, Mads? I feel like shit," said Em as she shielded her eyes from the light.

"Seeing as Conway won't be there and I am technically the big boss today, I guess you could call out. Besides, I owe you for covering for me yesterday so I could leave early," I said.

"Thanks, Madster...I loves you," said Em as she rolled back over.

"Yeah, yeah...I loves you too. By the way, you're parked behind me in the driveway, so I'll have to take your car to work. I'll call you later," I said. I could hear her mumble something inaudible as I closed the door. She worried me sometimes, but I knew she would eventually figure it out. She usually did.

I poured myself a cup of coffee and took one of the muffins from last night for breakfast. I sat at my dining room table and leafed through the morning paper. It distressed me how crime-ridden Chicago had become in all the years I had been away. Life was so much simpler at the age of eighteen...for so many reasons.

I let my mind wander back to last night's dinner...and Matthew. Without warning, I began to cry. Not just a few tears, but full blown sobs. I couldn't stop. What the hell was wrong with me? Maybe I was going crazy, just like Stephen had claimed once. He told his divorce lawyer that that was the reason he'd had numerous affairs throughout our marriage. I countered that by telling my divorce lawyer that if I was crazy, he was the one that made me that way with his constant philandering. He was a lying, cheating, underhanded, low life bastard and I secretly hoped that one of his cheap little sluts would give him the clap. It had been two years since our divorce had been made final and I was still angry and it wasn't because I still had feelings for him; it was because I wasted five years of my life being married to a man I never really loved. I married him to appease everyone who kept telling me I should get married.

My college roommate, Robin Dupree, had said "_You're twenty-five now, Madeleine...it's time you got married."_ She was married shortly after graduation, had four kids by the time she was thirty and her idea of a night out was piling the family into the mini-van for dinner at The Red Lobster, followed by a rousing round of miniature golf. Last I knew, she about ready to pop out kid #5 and weighed close to 200 lbs. The entire time Stephen and I had been married, I lived in fear of turning into her.

Stephen had been charming at first. He was handsome, successful and said all the right lines. In all fairness to him, I could never fully give myself to him emotionally for several reasons; mainly because I was pining for the man I really loved and had lost. I'm sure that wasn't easy for Stephen, but it still was not a viable excuse to screw around on your wife. He did love me at one time...which is more than I can say for myself. Seeing Matthew again after so many years made me realize just how much precious time I had wasted and I was overcome with incredible grief at the death of my dreams.

I decided that was why I was crying.

I was snapped back to reality by the dining room clock chiming seven bells. I grabbed my handbag, Em's car keys and my coat and headed out the door. I drove to work, fighting with the stick shift of Em's Honda Accord all the way. I wish I had taken the time to back her car out of the driveway so I could have driven my CTS. It was a sharp looking car and drove like a dream. What made it an even sweeter ride was that I bought it with the settlement money from my divorce. Every time I drove it, I imagined driving over Stephen's nuts and it gave me more pleasure than I could ever explain and still sound sane.

I checked my phone messages and emails before preparing myself for the Department Head meeting. I had an hour before I was due in the auditorium, so I unlocked Conway's office to grab her notes and agenda. She had a spectacular office...spacious corner suite with a half bath...a large mahogany desk...ceiling to floor windows...an overstuffed chair with ottoman and a stereo system. For a brief minute, I wondered what hospital executive she was banging to get such a space, but not even the dolts in Administration would lower themselves to sleep with Jabba the Hut, as Em called her. I grabbed the necessary papers and studied them for a while and made some major changes to it before heading back downstairs to the auditorium. Carole Conway was incompetent and if I had read the report as it was, I'm sure it would have been a reflection on me instead of her. I was one of the first to give report and for nearly two hours more, I sat there listening to each Department Head present their respective reports. It was so obvious that some of these people had no lives outside their jobs. No wonder Conway made it this far up the ladder.

As I walked out of the auditorium, Walter Addison, the Administrator of Chicago Lakeshore touched my shoulder to stop me.

"Impressive job, Ms. Coventry. Those were obviously not Carole Conway's words, were they?" he asked quietly.

"Well, sir...it was her basic report. I just tweaked it a little," I said.

"Don't be so modest, Ms. Coventry...may I call you Madeleine?" he asked. He was a pleasant enough man, slightly balding with grey at the temples and dark brown eyes.

"Yes, please..." I said, not knowing where this conversation was going.

"We in Administration are well aware of your work, Madeleine...and we are duly impressed." he said with a smile.

"Thank you, Mr. Addison. That's a lovely thing to say," I answered.

He gently shook my hand and excused himself to another meeting. Of all days for Em to call off. She would shit herself if she knew about this. I had to call her the minute I got back upstairs. I pulled my cell phone out of my handbag. No missed calls or texts. I was certain that Kelly would have called by now. He must be really pissed at me. I dialed Em's cell but there was no answer. I hoped she was alright. I left a message for her to call me as soon as she got my message. I gathered my notes from the meeting and headed back to Conway's office to type up the summary. I walked inside and was surprised by who was waiting for me.

"Hey, baby," he said. He was sitting behind Carole's desk.

"Kelly...what are you doing here?" I asked. For some reason I couldn't explain, I felt anxious about him being here. He never visited me at work.

"I brought you these," he said as he handed me a bouquet of daisies and tea roses. This was a side to him I had never seen before. My anxiety level continued to rise. Before I could say anything, he picked me up, making me grab him around the neck and wrap my legs around his body. He kissed me furiously as he slowly turned around and walked back towards the desk. He sat me down gently on the cool mahogany and leaned into me hard, forcing me to drop the flowers and put my forearms down on the desk to brace myself. He slowly and expertly began to unbutton my blouse.

"Kelly...this is my boss's office...we can't," I whispered, my voice shaking slightly.

"Yes we can...and we will," he said, his voice thick with passion.

He walked over to the door, locked it and came back at me hard, like a bull in heat. He pulled his t-shirt over his head, then kissed me hard again as he removed my blouse and my bra. His head moved down to my breasts, his mouth searching every inch of my skin. It was cool in the room but my body felt like it was on fire as he continued to explore my breasts with his tongue. He moved down to my belly button and raised his head to look at me. He had a sexy, mischievous look on his face that sent an electric shock throughout my entire body. He reached his hands up my skirt and slowly pulled my panties off, looking at me the entire time. I was powerless once again. He unzipped his black jeans and pushed them down below his hips, exposing his erection. He lifted my legs around his lower back and plunged deep into me. I let out a gasp as he entered me and began to thrust. I laid back across the desk and Kelly placed soft kisses on my neck as his body moved over mine. I couldn't hold on any longer as I felt my orgasm engulf me, shaking me hard as things began to fly off the desk and onto the floor. He let out a groan as he exploded inside me. I could barely breathe as he collapsed on top of me, covering my mouth with his.

We laid there for what seemed like an eternity before either of us was able to move. We slowly gathered ourselves enough to dress. I picked up the flowers and we walked to the door together. Before opening the door, Kelly turned to me and kissed me again. He cupped my face in his hands and stroked my cheeks with his thumbs.

"You mean a lot to me, Mads...you're good for me," he said as he placed his forehead on mine. I couldn't say it back to him. I wanted to but I couldn't. I kissed him softly instead.

"You think anyone heard us?" I asked.

"I certainly hope so. I'll call you later, OK?" he said with a wicked smile on his face. I nodded softly as he opened the door and walked out. I watched all the women in their cubicles look at him as he strutted past towards the elevators. "_Eat your hearts out, ladies...he's mine," _I smugly thought as he disappeared into the elevator. I walked back to my desk, oblivious to the stares I was getting on the way. I pulled my cell phone out to see if Em had called. I really needed to talk to her now.

_2 MISSED CALLS, 2 VOICE MAIL MESSAGES_, it read. I checked the call log...one from Em and one unknown number. I listened to the voicemail messages.

"_Hi Mads...it's me, Em...it's 11:30 and I just got your message. I was pretty pissed last night, but I took a nice bath in your garden tub, made myself some breakfast...with orange juice and everything...and I'm feeling much better now. Decided come into work for the second half of the day, so I'll see you around 12:30. I'm excited because I get to drive the Caddy! Byeeeeeeeeeeeee..."_

I looked at the wall clock...12:15 PM. Knowing her, she'd get here and expect to take a lunch break with me. I deleted her message and listened to the next one.

"_Hey Maddy...it's Matt...Matt Casey. I wanted to ask you if you'd like to get together Friday night at my place. We could have dinner and finally catch up. Seeing you last night made me start thinking about things and I'd really like to talk. Give me a call when you can and let me know. Talk to you soon, I hope. Bye."_

Maybe I was overthinking things, but he sounded nervous to me. That wasn't the Matt I remembered. He was always very sure about everything he did and rarely second guessed himself. Maybe time and circumstances had changed that. I felt my heart race at the thought of seeing him again. It had been so long. I just hoped my head was in the right place now and could handle all of this. After all, I had just had hot illicit sex with my boyfriend on my boss's desk and now I was as giddy as a teenager at the thought of seeing my high school sweetheart again. How much more obvious could it have been that my head clearly could not handle this.

"_Jesus, Em...hurry up!"_ I said to myself. If I ever needed a best friend, it was now. I watched the elevator doors closely and waited. I had a feeling that neither of us would get much work done today.


	5. Chapter 6

CHAPTER 6

I rolled over and looked at the clock...4:30 AM. How could that be? I was up until 11:30 last night making cupcakes. I'm going to look like death warmed over by 7:00 tonight after just five hours of sleep. Matthew may slam the door in my face when he sees me. I briefly toyed with the idea of calling off work; that way I could catch a few more hours of sleep, finish the cupcakes, buy a new outfit, get my hair cut...

"Fuck it," I mumbled to myself as I picked up my cell phone and dialed Conway's number. I hadn't called in sick since I started at Lakeshore, so I figured they owe me. As the phone rang, I asked myself "_Did I really just say 'fuck it' out loud?"..._Em's influence was beginning to show...or maybe it was Kelly's...the two of them were similar in so many ways, it was hard to tell who rubbed off on me more.

"Hello?" I heard Conway's voice creak into the phone. She was not going to take this well.

"Hi Carole...it's Madeleine Coventry. I'm sorry to call so early but I have what I'm pretty sure is the beginning of a migraine headache. I wanted to contact you before the Imitrex knocks me out for the next few hours," I said, partially holding my breath and waiting for her to start yelling at me.

"Migraines are the worst, Madeleine. You take care of yourself and we'll see you on Monday. Morrison can handle the ER today," said Conway. I was dumbfounded. She was actually sympathetic. Maybe she got laid. I laughed at my own joke. No one in their right mind would want to take that to bed...at least no one in their right mind who was blessed with the gift of sight.

I started to call Em's cell to give her a head's up, then decided against it. It wasn't even 5:00 AM and she'd strangle me with her bare hands if I woke her before 6:30 AM. I got out of bed and wrapped my robe around me. The heating had not kicked on yet and the house was cold. I walked down the stairs and turned up the thermostat, then went into the kitchen to make coffee. I saw the half finished cupcakes on the counter and started to smile. My dinner date with Matt was still 14 hours away, but I had been looking forward to it since he called me. The only thing I wasn't looking forward to was seeing Hallie Thomas again. Matt hadn't mentioned her, but when I had seen him at my mother's funeral eight years ago, he introduced her as his fiancee. Knowing how much Matt always wanted a traditional life, I guessed that they had been married for a few years now and probably had at least one child. The thought made my stomach turn.

While the coffee was brewing, I rummaged through my sideboard for my high school yearbook. I found it under my mother's lace tablecloth and sat at my dining room table looking through it. As I turned the pages looking at the senior pictures, I thought about what had happened to some of the kids in my graduating class. Some I already knew...like Laurette Astley, the prom queen and a stuck up bitch. I remember laughing my ass off when my mother called me at school to tell me she got knocked up in her freshman year of college and had to quit...Daniel Benson was the class president but the last I heard, he was serving time in prison for drug trafficking. So much for their picture perfect lives. Then there was Matthew Casey. Christ, he was gorgeous...long sandy colored hair and peach fuzz on his chin and cheeks...and that smile. His family was far from perfect; his parents were divorced and he lived with his mother, who always seemed like she was a sandwich short of a picnic. She loved me though and I wondered what her opinion of Hallie was now that Matt was...I couldn't bear to finish the thought.

I poured myself a cup of coffee, made some toast and picked up the morning paper from my front stoop. It was early April and the air was still cold. Chicago was never in a hurry for Spring to arrive. I sat down on the couch in the living room and turned NBC Chicago on for the morning news. Structure fire on Wanker Drive, just a few blocks down from the Sears Tower. If I'd had a quarter for every time we made fun of the that address, I could have retired to Tahiti by now. It was Firehouse 51's district, which meant both Kelly and Matt were probably still on the scene. It always unsettled me when I knew Kelly was at a fire. He was a brilliant firefighter, but he tended to shoot from the hip and was more unorthodox in his approach, which worried me.

I quickly shut off the television, warmed up my coffee, and finished the cupcakes. I was proud of this recipe...a dark chocolate cupcake with marshmallow cream filling, chocolate frosting, graham cracker crumbs and toasted mini-marshmallows on top...just like a s'more. I wondered if Matt would remember the significance of the s'more. I guess I'll know soon enough. I boxed them up and put them in the fridge, then went upstairs to run a hot bubble bath.

I set my cell phone on the edge of the tub and slipped into the water. I sipped my coffee and I felt my body relax in the hot soapy water. Between Lakeshore, working on my house and taking care of my father, I rarely had time for this kind of thing. My quiet reverie and short snooze was interrupted by the sound of my cell phone ringing.

"Hey baby...we just got back from a bad structure fire and I needed to hear the sound of your voice," I heard Kelly say. It wasn't like him to be so mushy and my heart melted a little. We started dating on February 3rd and he didn't even acknowledge Valentine's Day, so this was a monumental step for Kelly Severide.

"I saw it on the news. Are you alright?" I asked, genuinely concerned.

"Yeah...just need a hot shower, something to eat, some sleep and you naked in my bed...but I guess that last part will have to wait until later tonight," he said. I could almost see the smirk on his face through the phone. I almost asked him how Matt was, but I stopped myself before I pulled on a thread that I didn't want to unravel. I hadn't even told Kelly that I was having dinner with Matt tonight. I had been so busy at work that it had simply slipped my mind and if I was being totally honest with myself, I wasn't quite sure how he would handle it if I did tell him. I guess now was as good a time as any.

"You know I'd love to, Kelly...but I can't tonight...I'm having dinner with a friend," I said. Why couldn't I just come out and tell him it was Matt?

"Oh...I suppose it's Morrison," Kelly said, sounding slightly rejected. I suddenly remembered that I had forgotten to call Em. I looked at the time...7:05 AM...she'd be on her way to work now, if she had left on time. Who was I kidding? Emily Morrison never left for work on time.

"No, it's not Em, Kelly...it's Matt Casey," I said. I suddenly felt like a ton of bricks had been lifted from my shoulders. I was met with dead silence on the other end of the phone. "_Say something, Severide," _I thought to myself.

"What, you're having dinner...reminiscing about old times...and..." Kelly's voice trailed off.

"Kelly Severide...don't tell me you're jealous!" I said, trying like hell to joke him out of where I thought he was headed. Another awkward pause. I was just about to mention the little matter of Hallie Thomas to him when he finally spoke.

"I'm exhausted, Mads...I'll talk to you tomorrow," he said, before abruptly hanging up.

I could tell by the tone of his voice that he was less than thrilled that I would be in Matt Casey's company instead of wrapping my legs around him in bed tonight. In fact, he sounded downright annoyed. I suddenly felt awful. He had called to hear my voice and I end up telling him I'm spending the evening with his rival. How fucking adolescent of him to pull that crap with me. My guilt quickly turned to anger. I wasn't his possession and he had made no commitment to me in any way, shape or form. Matt was an old friend and I had every right to have dinner with him if I wanted to and Kelly Severide would have to deal with that.

By the time I finished dressing and pulling myself together, I had decided that a half day at my favorite spa would suit me well. I set up an appointment 9:30 for a facial, a leg and bikini wax, a manicure, a pedicure and a massage. It had been a long time since I'd had a proper pampering session and after the conversation ended with Kelly the way it did, I needed a little de-stressing. I called my hair salon and booked a haircut for 3:00. I could have lunch downtown and shop for a new outfit between appointments. With a stubborn determination, I strutted out my front door, slid into the driver's seat of my Cadillac and headed to the spa. I was halfway there and bogged down in traffic on the Eisenhower Expressway when my cell phone rang.

"Where the hell are you and are you OK?" I heard Em's voice scream into the phone. If I had actually had a migraine for real, the sound of her voice bellowing into my ear certainly would have given me one.

"I'm sorry, Em! I meant to call you, but I got side tracked. I'm fine...I decided to play hooky today, that's all," I said.

"Why the hell didn't you tell me? We could have played hooky together!" she said. I was beginning to feel like I was joined at the hip with her. I loved her like a sister, but sometimes I needed my alone time and she had a hard time understanding that.

"It was spur of the moment, Em...I didn't get much sleep last night and the last few weeks have caught up with me. I just need a little time to decompress. Heading to the spa now, actually," I said. Em wasn't the spa kind of girl, so maybe knowing that's where I was going would ease her neurosis a little.

"And a little more time to prepare for your date with Matt tonight because you want to get it just right," she said. Spot on, as usual. We were so in sync that it scared me sometimes.

"Traffic's moving on the I-290 now...I'll have to call you later," I said before hanging up.

She seemed determined to create something more between Matt and I that just wasn't there and I was beginning to resent it. She was well aware that Kelly and I were a couple and she should have known by now that I wasn't the kind of woman who would betray a relationship, no matter how superficial it might be. Even when I knew Stephen was screwing around, I didn't retaliate by doing the same thing. I stayed faithful to him until the bitter end and it resulted in a lucrative divorce settlement. Sometimes taking the high road pays off, even though taking the low road is less painful and is more satisfying. I tried to push the thought from my head as I pulled into the parking lot of the spa. For the next fews hours, I would be thinking of nothing but myself.


	6. Chapter 7

CHAPTER 7

I checked my watch as I walked down the front steps of my house...6:35. That would give me plenty of time to drive to Matt's house and give me a few extra minutes in case I got lost. I carefully set the box of cupcakes on the floor in the back seat, slid behind the wheel and took a deep breath.

_"He's just an old friend and he's taken, Madeleine...remember that..."_ I said as I looked in the rear view mirror at myself. At least I looked and felt good after a three hour spa visit. I tried to ignore her at my mother's funeral, but if I remember accurately, Hallie Thomas was no raving beauty. I was surprised Matthew ended up with such a plain looking girl. Then again, I'm sure people wondered what the hell Kelly Severide saw in me.

I took another deep breath and pulled away from the curb, driving slowly and following my GPS as it guided me. I pulled up in front of Matt's house at 6:55 and sat there for a few moments to steele my nerves. I gave my face a final check, applied some lip color, fluffed my hair, grabbed the cupcakes and walked up the front steps. I could feel my heart practically pounding out of my chest as I rang the doorbell.

Within seconds, Matt opened the front door. He stood there, barefoot in his jeans and a white long sleeved polo shirt, wiping his hands on a kitchen towel. He had a broad smile on his face and I could feel my knees go weak.

"Maddy! It's so good to see you again," He said as he pulled me into a tight hug. _"Hold it together, Madeleine,"_ I said to myself. I had a feeling I would be talking to myself a lot tonight.

"You too, Matthew," I said. My nose pressed against the side of his neck as he embraced me and the scent of his cologne filled my head. Kelly always seemed to smell either of menthol or cigars, depending on whether he had been to the gym.

"I've been thinking a lot about you since that night at the firehouse. I've been trying to figure out what's different about you," he said as he let me go.

"Contacts," I said as I pointed to my face, blushing slightly. I had worn glasses in high school.

That's it!" he said, smiling even wider.

"And you cut your hair," I said.

"Yeah...when I entered the Fire Academy, it was a requirement," he said, pulling at the hair at the top of his head.

"Dessert...as promised," I said, holding out the box of cupcakes.

"You should have opened your own bakery, Maddy...you always wanted to do that," he said as he took them from me and motioned me to follow him into the kitchen. I quickly scanned the living room and dining room as we walked through. There was a fire in the hearth, but not a feminine touch anywhere that I could see. Hallie was probably an intern by now and didn't have much spare time to decorate. No sign of any kids either. He set the cupcakes on the counter and slowly opened the box. Another smile broke across his face immediately.

"Oh my God...are these s'mores cupcakes?" he said grinning. "_Jesus, does he actually remember?" _ I thought to myself.

"You remember, then?" I asked.

"Camping trip the summer before our senior year...our first kiss," he said without looking up. "_He DOES remember,"_ I said inside my head. I wanted to jump up and down right there in the kitchen, but I was suddenly horrified that he would think I was coming on to him.

"Some of the best days of my life, Maddy. I could never forget that," he said quietly, with his head slightly bowed. "_Then why did you never contact me after I went away to college?"_ I wanted to ask him.

"Mine too," I said instead.

"Steaks on the grill okay with you?" he asked, pointing to his back porch.

"Sounds great, Matt. Can I help?" I asked.

"Stuff for salad is in the fridge. Toss it up, OK?" he said as he walked outside. I opened the refrigerator and found the lettuce, two tomatoes, a cucumber, placed them on the cutting board on the counter and began to chop. Before long, Matt returned with two steaks on a platter. He took two plates down from the cupboard and two sets of silverware from the drawer and walked into the dining room. "_Hmmmmm...just two place settings," _I thought to myself. Hallie must have been working. He returned to the kitchen, took two baked potatoes out of the oven and the steaks and went back into the dining room. I picked up the salad and followed him. He was taking two wine glasses from the china cabinet. I remembered the china cabinet from his mother's house. He poured two glasses of cabernet and handed me one.

"To good friends reunited," he said as he clinked his glass to mine.

"Good friends," I said as I took a sip. We sat down and began to eat.

"So...you and Stephen..." he said, without warning.

"Divorced. Three years now," I said.

"I'm sorry, Maddy," he said.

"I'm not. My divorce was the only positive thing that came out of five years of marriage. Let's just say Stephen was not the right man for me," I said. "_You were,"_ I said silently in my head.

"And you and Hallie...that's her name, isn't it?" I said, countering with my own question. The look on his face hardened a little.

"Ummm...we broke up. We realized we wanted different things. It just took us eight years to figure that out," he said.

"So did Stephen and I...he wanted to screw around with every woman in Westchester County and I wanted a faithful husband," I said, matter of factly. He smiled softly and grabbed my hand. For that brief moment, we were Maddy and Matt again, just like in high school.

"I see by your truck that you finally realized your dream of M Casey Construction. Good for you, Matthew. You're a talented contractor" I said.

"Yeah...I do it as a side job to the firehouse. After I moved out of Hallie's place, I bought this and have renovated it from top to bottom,' he said proudly.

"It shows, Matt. I'm attempting to renovate my kitchen..unfortunately, my talents are limited to painting, picking out wallpaper and buying overpriced appliances," I said.

"Why don't I come over and take a look? I'd love a new project," he said.

"I may take you up on that, but I'd have to see an estimate first. I know you contractors like to pad your prices," I said, smirking.

"I couldn't charge you money, Maddy. I'd only do it if you'd let me do it for nothing," he said.

"Matt...I can't let you..." but he interrupted me before I could finish.

"I insist, Maddy. It would be one friend helping out another," he said. I reluctantly agreed and gave him my address.

"How about Wednesday night?" he asked.

"That would be great. Thank you, Matt," I said.

"My pleasure, Maddy. By the way, how's your Dad?" he asked.

"He's good...now. He had a heart attack just after Thanksgiving the year before las. I decided to move back to Chicago after that. He'd been alone since Mom died...I'd been alone since my divorce. It just made sense," I said.

"You always were a Daddy's girl," he said. He was right. My father was the only man in my life who hadn't hurt me. He was my hero.

"Yeah...my Dad is pretty special. How's your Mom doing? She was always so nice to me," I said. Matt suddenly set his fork and knife down and stopped eating. He wiped his mouth with a napkin and looked at me.

"My Mom just made parole after 15 years in prison. She lived with me until just a few months ago. You didn't know that?" he asked, sounding slightly irritated.

"Jesus, Matthew...no! I had no idea. How would I have known that? After I went to college, I never heard from you again," I said, trying to choke back tears. There it was...out on the table now. He had to answer me.

"Christie told me she would call you and tell you. I couldn't...I was still a minor and put into custodial care for a few weeks until Christie could come from college in California," he said.

"What the hell happened, Matt?" I said, sounding panicked. Christie was his older sister. She treated me with polite disdain and seemed aloof most of the time. She probably deliberately didn't call me.

"My mother shot and killed my father," he said as he got up from the table. I sat in stunned silence. His mother had always seemed a little volatile and slightly off balance, but I would have never thought her capable of murder. After a few minutes, I got up from the table and walked over to where he was standing, looking out the window in the dining room.

"Christie never contacted me, Matt...I swear. It was like you disappeared off the face of the earth after I left. I've spent the last sixteen years wondering what I did wrong," I said, crying softly now. He quickly turned around to face me.

"Maddy...you didn't do anything wrong. You were the only thing right in my life back then. When I didn't hear from you, I thought you didn't want anything to do with me anymore...the son of a murderer," he said, his eyes welling up slightly. The urge to kiss him was overwhelming. I silently prayed that he would so I wouldn't have to.

"No, Matt...I loved you. I would have never turned my back on you if I had known...never," I said. He kept his head down low and nodded. I wrapped my arms around him and hugged him tightly. He buried his face into my neck as I held him. "_I loved you then, Matthew...and I still love you,"_ I thought to myself.

"Come here," he said after a few minutes. He took my hand and led me back into the kitchen. He let go of my hand and put one of the cupcakes onto a plate and took a knife from the drawer. He took my hand again and led me into the living room. We sat on the floor in front of the fireplace. It was warm in front of the fire, so I took off my sweater and tossed it on the couch. He cut the cupcake in half and broke off a piece in his fingers and held it up to my mouth. I opened my mouth and he gently put the cake inside. My lips closed over his fingers. He pulled them out slowly and stuck his index finger back into the frosting, dabbing my nose with it.

"Cheeky," I said, wiping it off.

"You may not believe this, but I still think about that kiss we shared at Channahon. It was the first time I was ever in love," he said, looking directly into my eyes. I thought my heart would stop.

"Me too, Matt. You never forget your first love, you know," I said softly.

I picked up a piece of the cake and held it to his lips. He opened his mouth, taking the cake and my fingertips into his mouth. I thought I would faint at the feel of his tongue on my fingers. He was so beautiful it made my heart hurt. Kelly was beautiful too, but when I looked at Matthew now, all I could see was the guy I had loved so much...and still loved. I took my fingers out of his mouth, but he grabbed my hand and slowly licked each finger clean. He leaned in close, sucked the remainder of the frosting from my nose and pressed my back to the couch.

Before I knew what was happening, his mouth was on mine, his tongue lightly flicking between my lips. I couldn't stop my body from responding to him. I tugged at his hair with my fingers as he cupped my face and deepened the kiss. His lips were just as soft as I remembered them. He pushed himself between my legs and continued to kiss me, his tongue wrestling with mine. I dug my nails into his back, clutching at him as I returned his kiss. I hadn't held him like this since I was eighteen years old but it felt right. It felt like I had come home at last. His hands slid down from my neck to my shirt, which he began to unbutton.

"Matthew," I said softly as I grabbed his hands. My body ached for him now, but I couldn't hurt Kelly like this.

"It's Severide, isn't it?" he said. I nodded slowly. I wanted to tell him then and there that I didn't love Kelly and that I loved him, but it still wouldn't make it right.

"I should go," I said as I got up from the floor. I walked to the entry hall and picked up my coat and bag. Matthew followed me to the front door.

"I'm sorry, Maddy...I shouldn't have..." he said. I placed my fingers on his lips to silence him.

"Don't be," I said. I couldn't stop the tears from falling. He reached up and brushed them away with his fingers. I kissed him lightly before turning and walking out the door.

I sat silently crying in my car and I knew he was watching me. Part of me wanted to speed away from his house and never look back; the other part of me wanted to run back into his arms and have him finish what he started. As I finally drove away and headed for home, I had the sinking feeling that my life was about to get a lot more complicated.


	7. Chapter 8

CHAPTER 8

I woke up Sunday morning feeling like I hadn't slept in weeks. The $330.00 I spent at The Elysian on Saturday morning was a complete waste of money. I was tense, had a pounding headache and felt like crying. I didn't remember getting into bed. Hell, I didn't even remember the drive home from Matt's house. All I remember was turning off my phone and leaving my clothes on the bathroom floor. Everything after that was a blur. I felt like I was suffering from a blackout without the benefit of having gotten blitzed off my ass. I glanced at the clock on the bedside table...3:15 AM...too early to call Em on a Sunday, but I needed to talk this out with her.

If I was really lucky and prayed really hard, maybe last night would turn out to be a dream, today would be Saturday and I could have my dinner with Matt all over again...without the passionate kiss. Jesus, that kiss...I could still feel the remnants of it. Matthew wanted me and I wanted him...so badly it actually hurt. Learning that Christie was the reason we didn't speak for sixteen years was both a relief and a torment. I told myself over and over that Matthew had forgotten about me. I tried to put him out of my mind, but I never could...even after Stephen and I were married, the memory of Matthew was always in the background. We had wasted so much time not knowing the real story and I think I had more questions now than I did before I knew the truth. Why hadn't Christie called me and why did she never tell Matt? Did I marry Stephen to fill the void that Matthew left in my life? Did Stephen cheat on me because he knew I didn't really love him? Is that why my marriage failed? Did Matthew still love me? Did I really still love Matthew? What do I tell Kelly? Do I even want to tell Kelly? My frigging head was spinning like a top.

I reached for my phone on the bedside table and turned it on. Three missed phone calls and three voicemail messages...one from Kelly, one from Matthew and one from Em...all after midnight. Did they really expect me to be awake at that hour? I could almost guess what the message from Matthew said... apologizing for his behavior, that he was angry with himself for the way he acted and could I forgive him. Em's message would be nosy, true to her nature..."_Did you fuck?"_ would be the gist of it. I doubt Kelly would apologize for hanging up on me yesterday morning. His message was probably left in haste because he never expected to get my voicemail at that hour. In his mind, hearing my voicemail was equivalent with me being in Matt's bed and unwilling to answer my phone.

I listened to Kelly's first...

"_Hey, Mads..it's Kelly. I'm sorry for hanging up earlier. I was just tired. I know you and Casey are just friends. I'm sure you've guessed that he's not my favorite person and the thought of you with him made me a little nuts, even if it was a perfectly innocent dinner. Hoping we can spend part of Sunday together, so call me when you get this, OK? Bye." _

Jesus, he did apologize after all. I'm not sure I'd describe my evening with Matt as 'perfectly innocent', however. There was nothing innocent about the kiss we shared. I decided before I even called him that I would not tell him. It was just a kiss, after all...not sex. Matt and I have a history and Kelly knows that. A harmless kiss, that's all it was...that curled my toes and made my inner thighs twitch when I thought about. Jesus, I was in deep shit.

I listened to Matt's message next...

"_Maddy...it's Matt. Please come back and talk to me. You left in such a hurry and there is so much more that we need to say to each other. I know it's late, but at least call me. I need to know you're alright..."_

The sound of his voice pleading with made me tear up. What more could he possibly need to say to me? Like I said, I was in deep shit. I listened to Em's message...

"_Madster! Talk to me, babes! How was the 'Maddy and Matt Show'? Did ya get naked and roll around? Call me tomorrow...OK, I guess it is tomorrow already...but not too early or I'll slap you when I see you. I love you, you bitch..."_

She sounded drunk. No surprise there. It was Saturday night and a variety of liquor and beer was usually on her agenda, especially if she wasn't spending the evening with me. I thought I could hear a male voice in the background. Oh Christ, please don't let it be Michael...not again. He was a shit. Most men were in my opinion...they were all fucked up on some level...except my Dad. I couldn't deal with any of this now, so I got out of bed, took one of the sleeping pills my doctor in New York had prescribed while Stephen and I were going through the divorce and crashed back into bed.

I woke to a loud banging on my front door. I was groggy but could hear a voice yelling from my front porch. I looked at the clock through bleary eyes...11:45 AM...I'd slept for over eight hours. I got up, wrapped myself in a robe and went downstairs. There was Em, standing on my front porch with that ridiculous knit hat, waving a box of bagels in one hand and holding a paper tray with two cups of coffee in the other. I opened the door and let her in before the neighbors called the police to report a disturbance.

"Jesus, Madster...you look worse than I do," she said as she marched past me and into the living room. She set the food down on the coffee table, threw her coat on the floor and sat on my couch with a thud. She was like a human disaster area. She patted the cushion next to her.

"What?" I asked as I sat down. She handed me a cup of coffee.

"It's toasted sesame with strawberry jelly...your favorite," she said waving it under my nose. I hadn't eaten since last night and it was almost noon now, so I was hungry.

"Uh huh," I said, taking a bite.

"Come on, Madster! Tell me every detail...starting with what you had for dinner," she said as she took a bite of her bagel.

"Steak...we had steak," I said, still feeling slightly groggy.

"Was that the only meat you had last night, Ms. Coventry?" she said with a giggle.

"Jesus, Em...not everything is a dirty joke passed around in study hall. This is my grown-up, real life and it was going pretty goddamn good until about a week ago," I said sounding more angry than I expected to sound. Sometimes, her juvenile humor wore thin with me.

"I'm...I'm sorry, Mads...it was just a little joke," she said, sounding hurt.

"Not everything is funny, Emily," I said. She knew I was serious because I only called her by her full name when I was angry. I got up from the couch and walked to the dining room window and just stared blankly out through the glass. I watched the two kids next door playing tag in their backyard and I longed for the simplicity of a child's life. After a few minutes, Em walked up behind me. She put her head on my shoulder and lightly hugged me.

"I'm sorry, Mads...really I am," she said softly. I turned round to look at her and took a deep breath.

"Something happened last night...and before you ask, no it wasn't sex..." I said.

"OK, go on then," said Em. She was finally serious.

"We kissed. I know that doesn't sound exciting or even naughty. Old friends are allowed to kiss...but this kiss was slow and soft and deep and wet and I thought I would burst into flames," I said, quietly recalling the sensation he gave me.

"Handy...cos he's a firefighter," she said, smiling.

"You just couldn't resist one more, could you," I said, shaking my head.

"He kissed you...and..." she continued.

"He started to take things further, but I stopped him," I said.

"Good girl, but why? Oh wait...the med student. He's married?" she asked.

"No, he's not married. He and Hallie called it off. It's Kelly...I couldn't betray Kelly," I said. She nodded.

"Did Matt explain why he never contacted you?" she asked.

"Apparently, it was just miscommunication...after his father died, he asked his sister to call me, but she never did. It's complicated, Em," I said, not wanting to reveal Matt's family problems.

"Do you think he still loves you, Mads?" she asked.

"I don't know. If that kiss was any indication, then I would say 'Hell yes'," I said. I knew what question was coming next.

"And do you still love him?" she asked. Bingo. There it was. I knew the answer to the question, but I wasn't entirely sure I wanted Em to know. She was the best friend I had ever had and understood me better than anyone, but she was unhappy in her personal life and I always felt she was somewhat jealous of Kelly and me. If I told her I was still in love with Matt, would she use that against me? I wasn't sure of anything anymore.

"Kelly is the man that gave me heat and passion and fun again...He made me feel like a woman after so long of feeling inadequate. After my divorce, I was full of self-doubt and he knocked that out of me. I care about Kelly, but I don't see it going any further than that. I don't really know that he's capable of more. His lifestyle clashes with mine, Em...surely you can see that. I don't want to be just another in a long line of women," I said. I was crying now.

"And Matt?," she asked, holding my hand.

"Matthew is the man I've loved since I was eighteen, Em. He represents the happiest time in my life...before Stephen...before my Mom died. We had similar dreams. Being with him last night made me think we could have it all again, but..." I said, my voice trailing off. Just then, my doorbell rang. I wiped my eyes on my sleeve and looked at Em. She got up and answered the door for me. I heard Kelly's voice.

"Hey, you..." said Kelly as he entered the living room. He was so beautiful and I was genuinely happy to see him. I slowly rose from the couch and walked over to him. Without saying a word, I wrapped my arms around his neck and he lifted me up. I wrapped my legs around his lower back and kissed him.

"Miss me?" he asked, pulling away from my mouth and smiling.

"Take me to bed, Kelly," I whispered. I laid my head on his shoulder as he carried me up the stairs and into my bedroom. I needed him...or perhaps I needed to put out the fire that Matthew had ignited. I didn't care about Em still sitting in my living room. She would understand. I was officially between fire and ice...or Heaven and Hell...I wasn't entirely sure.

All I was sure of at this moment was that Kelly was here and he was mine. I needed to feel a man's arms around me who wouldn't confuse things or mess up my life by walking back into it and changing the landscape of it. The simplicity of our relationship is what I needed now and as he laid me down on my bed and moved his mouth over my breasts, the world and the memory of Matthew's kiss melted away.

"Hey..is everything OK?" asked Kelly, his eyes searching my face as he kissed my mouth.

"It is now," I said, kissing him back and spreading my legs wider. I wanted him...I needed him...and he was always willing to oblige. He made love to me slowly and tenderly...something I wasn't used to from him. I could feel a powerful orgasm slowly building and when it hit me, I bucked underneath him and dug my nails deep into the flesh of his back. He groaned and I could feel him empty inside me as he shuddered on top of me. He covered my face and neck with kisses, then slowly rolled me over on my side to face him. I buried my face into the base of his neck, tears spilling down my face.

"Mads...it's OK, baby...I'm here with you now," he said, tilting my face up to his. I tried to speak but no words would come. I could only manage to nod before being overtaken by sobs that began to wrack my body. Kelly pulled me close and held me tightly and all I could think was "_Yes, you're here with me...but you're not him..."_


	8. Chapter 9

CHAPTER 9

Tuesday at 4:30 PM and I still hadn't called Matthew yet. He hadn't left any more messages since Saturday night. I was thankful for that because I honestly didn't know what to say to him. I wasn't angry with him, but I was confused as hell now. He disappears out of my life and after a sixteen year absence, he's acting like he wants to pick up where we left off. If I had seen him again before I met Kelly, I would have practically leapt into his arms at the chance. But like it or not, Kelly was in the picture and I couldn't just ignore that.

I called Matt's cell as I walked alone to my car. Em had not been herself the last couple of days and I wondered if she was upset with me for asking Kelly to take me upstairs on Sunday. In truth, I did technically abandon her, but I needed Kelly to hold me and make me feel safe again. That would be difficult to explain to Em since she took great pride in not relying on anyone else to take care of her, especially a man. We took care of each other as friends, but when it came to men Emily Morrison controlled them...except Michael. He was uncontrollable, but she didn't seem to mind that for some reason. As I slid behind the wheel of my car, I dialed Matt's cell. I silently prayed it would go to voicemail because I was afraid of sounding like a babbling idiot. Shit...he answered.

"Maddy...thank God. I was beginning to get really worried about you," he said. Cue short awkward pause.

"Ummm...yeah...no, I'm fine...really, Matt...ummm," I said. So much for graduating from Fordham University with an MSW. I looked at myself in my rearview mirror and stuck my tongue out at myself. "_You moron,"_ I thought.

"I don't want things to be awkward between us, Maddy," he said quietly.

"Neither do I, Matt," I said, practically whispering and fighting back tears.

"Good...then I'd still like to come over tomorrow after you get out of work and take a look at your kitchen. A promise is a promise,'" he said. My heart lifted a little.

"That would be great, Matt...we could order a pizza, have some wine...sound good?" I said, sounding hopeful and trying like hell not to open another can of worms.

"I'd like that, Maddy. I'll see you around six, OK?" said Matt before we said our goodbyes and hung up. I drove home, thinking about him all the way. This was insane. Matthew Casey was the gift from my past. I can't keep hanging on to what did and didn't happen when we were eighteen. Kelly Severide was my gift now. He had restored my womanhood and made me feel whole again after my divorce stole my self-worth. I had no idea what my future held, but when I thought about both Matthew and Kelly being in it, I knew they could never be in it together.

As I walked up the front steps of my house, my phone rang. It was Kelly.

"Hey, baby...did you have a good day and take care of all the Chicago misfits that found their way to Lakeshore today?" he asked. He never really understood what it was that I did.

"Of course. I'm a kick ass social worker, Lieutenant Severide," I said.

"You also have a nice ass," said Kelly. He always took every opportunity to twist my words into a limerick or dirty comment.

"Did you call to talk about my ass or was there something else?" I said, getting a little irritated with him. He was the male version of Em.

"As much as I love your ass, I actually called to see if you'd like to go to Molly's Friday night...hang out with the guys from the firehouse...have a few drinks...sound good?" he asked. Molly's was a bar in a nearby neighborhood that was a joint venture between Herrmann, Dawson and Otis. Otis was a cretin, but I liked all the others in the house, so I agreed.

"Meet me there at 8:00 PM Friday. Bye, baby...and give your ass a little squeeze from me," said Kelly. He was such a guy.

"Don't forget my Dad's birthday dinner on Monday...6:00...his place." I reminded him before we said goodbye.

"I won't...I bought him a 10-pack of Montecristo Grand Edmundo Cuban cigars. Set me back $185.00 but they're worth it," he said. _Yeah, Kelly...ten cigars is the perfect gift for a man who had a massive heart attack 17 months ago, _I thought to myself as we said our goodbyes. Kelly's heart was in the right place, but sometimes his head was up his ass.

As I rummaged through my refrigerator for something to eat, I heard a knock on my front door. As I walked through the entry hall, I could see Em on the porch holding a duffle bag in one hand and two McDonald's bags in the other.

"Don't you ever ring the doorbell?" I asked as I let her in.

"My hands were full! I had to kick the door with my foot!" she said.

"Planning on staying the night?" I asked, looking at her packed bag.

"It's OK, isn't it? I'm off tomorrow because I'm pulling that shift on Saturday," she said with a frown.

Conway had practically ripped her a new one on Monday when she had mistakenly tried to send a teenage drug addict to a nursing home instead of rehab. I knew she was hungover when she came in and I was afraid that was my fault...at least indirectly. She had come over to talk to me and I abandoned her when Kelly came over Sunday afternoon. We disappeared into the bedroom for the rest of the afternoon and when we came back down, she was gone. I didn't call her after Kelly left either. I was sure all of those things had conspired against her and she found solace in the bottom of a gin bottle.

"Of course it's OK, you nutbag...but Matthew's coming over tomorrow at six to look at my kitchen, so make yourself scarce before then, OK...and try not to mess up my house too much," I said as I hugged her.

"Oooooh...he's gonna 'look at your kitchen'...is that contractor talk for 'spread your legs' ?" she asked giggling. She was the female version of Kelly.

"Oh shut it," I said as I grabbed one of the McDonald's bags. She went out into the kitchen and came back with a bottle of white wine from the fridge.

"Goes good with Chicken McNuggets," she said. She was a whack job, but I loved her.

We sat on my couch while we ate and talked. She talked mostly about Michael and how she had let him stay a few nights ago. He was going back to Ireland indefinitely and although she pretended not to care, I know she was hurting inside. She loved to hate him and she hated to love him. Me... I just hated him. Nothing in between. He treated Em like shit on his shoe and she deserved better.

I let her talk for four hours. I was happy not to talk about me and Kelly or me and Matt or Matthew and Kelly for a change. God, how I was sick of all those names. I hugged her in the hallway before heading to my bedroom.

"Are we OK, Em? You've been acting odd the last couple of days...well, odder than usual. I'm aware that my behavior on Sunday was not really 'best friend worthy' and I'm sorry," I said.

"Yeah...we're always OK, Madster. Besides, if Kelly Severide were my boyfriend, I'd have done the same thing," she said.

I thought I could hear her crying as I closed my door. Em rarely cried and when she did, it was always in private. She had never let me see her vulnerable side, but I knew it was there. I knew she trusted me more than anyone else in the world, but showing weakness was not acceptable to her.

The next morning, I left a note on the kitchen counter for her that read:

_Em -_

_The coffee was freshly brewed at 6:00 AM, there is whole grain cereal in the cupboard to the left of the stove, bananas in the bowl on the kitchen table and fat free milk in the fridge. Afer last night's dinner, you could use something healthy to eat!_

_Have a fabulous day off while I'm slaving away under Jabba's jowls. Remember - out before six and the place had better be spotless!_

_Love ya,_

_Maddy_

It sounded rude, but she'd see through that. I just prayed that she'd humor me and do it. I soldiered through what was possibly the longest day of work at Lakeshore since I started there. Conway was exceptionally demanding, especially after Walter Addison paid her a little visit. I wasn't sure what words were exchanged, but I could hear the sound of muffled shouts coming from her office. I quickly panicked when I realized that if I could hear them, others probably heard Kelly and me banging away on her desk.

Four-thirty finally came and I think I left skid marks as I slid out the door. It was a combination of wanting to leave the crappy work day behind me and the excitement of seeing Matthew again. I found myself planning what I would change into before he arrived. I never seemed to care what I wore for Kelly, primarily because whatever it was didn't stay on for long.

I made a quick look around my house before going upstairs to change. From what I could tell, everything was in its proper place. I raced up the stairs and changed into jeans and a long tunic, touched up my face and hair and headed back downstairs. I took the bottle of sangria from the fridge and poured it into a glass pitcher and added sliced oranges and limes before putting in back in to chill. Within a few minutes, I heard the back doorbell ring. My heart jumped in my throat.

"_Calm down, Madeleine...it's just Matthew..." _I heard my inner voice say as I walked to the back door. There he was, his hands in his coat pockets with something white tucked under his arm.

"You left this at my place the other night," he said as he handed me my sweater. He had a sheepish look on his face...almost reticent.

"Right...I didn't realize..." I said, not wanting to go there. I was hoping we could forget the whole 'we kissed and my thighs went up in flames' thing.

"Maddy...I'm sorry...it was just seeing you again...the s'mores thing...it all came rushing back to me and I reacted. I didn't mean anything by it...really," he said, looking at me now. He didn't mean anything by it? I felt my heart drop.

"It's OK, Matthew...I understand. No harm done," I said, trying like hell not to burst into tears. We didn't speak another word as I showed him around the kitchen. He looked at every square inch of it, measured my cabinets and countertops, looked at the flooring, the moulding...even the door jambs. He wrote a few things down on a pad he took from his coat pocket.

"What do you want done the most?" he asked. He was in full contractor mode.

"I'd like to refinish the cabinets and get a new kitchen counter...preferably granite... a new sink...hardwood floors would be nice too...but I don't expect you to do all that, Matthew," I said. He smiled at me and continued to write on his pad.

"These cabinets are solid oak, Maddy...we could strip this paint off and refinish them in a clear polyurethane. You'd love it," he said. "_No...I love you..." _my inner voice said. Sometimes I hated my inner voice. Sometimes I wished my inner voice would shut the fuck up. After about 30 minutes of measuring and writing, he spoke.

"There's a granite factory just outside of Bensonville. The owner owes me a favor...maybe I can work a deal with him...and I could replace this floor in a day or two. I could finish everything up in about 2 or 3 weeks, depending on shifts and...you know...major fires that might keep me busy," he said.

"Matt...I can't ask you to do all of that," I said. The thought of him working in my house for the next several weeks made me very happy, but Kelly may have a problem with it.

"You didn't ask...I offered. I want to do this for you, OK?" he said, his eyes almost pleading with me. I couldn't refuse. I nodded silently. We decided to have some sangria while waiting for our pizza to be delivered. We sat on the couch and talked.

"Are you happy, Maddy?" he asked. I wondered where he was going with this. It could be just a general question, but I had a feeling it wasn't.

"My divorce is well behind me...I have a good job...money in the bank...good friends...my Dad is healthy...all things considered, I'd say yes...I'm happy," I said as I sipped my wine. Matt poured his third glass as the pizza arrived.

"And a good boyfriend," he said. "_Jesus, Matt...please don't go there," _I thought.

"Matthew," I started to say we shouldn't go down this road, but he interrupted me.

"What do you see in Severide? Because I don't get it, Maddy...he's the type of guy you used to hate," he said.

"Things change, Matt...people change," I said, not really believing what I was trying to sell him. In all honesty, Kelly was the first man to pay attention to me since I had been back in Chicago. He was gorgeous, required little maintenance and had simple pleasures...and that appealed to my warped sense of order...at least for now, but I was not about to share that with Matt. He had shared very little about his relationship with Hallie with me and I wasn't about to justify my choices to him.

"Some things never change, Maddy...sometimes, your dreams get fucked up by other people and you have to bury them deep inside you and move on or go insane thinking about what you lost," he said as he slugged back the rest of his wine.

"I know that feeling all too well...of having lost something and feeling like you'd never be whole again, " I said, emptying my glass. If he wants to go there, I can play this game too.

"Do you? Do you really, Maddy? Because you married Stephen Gage pretty goddamned fast and you never once tried to contact me," he said. I tried to tell myself it was the wine talking.

"And you never tried to contact me! Why the hell didn't you ask Christie if she found me? Apparently, I wasn't that important to you," I said, regretting it immediately. His father's death and his mother's arrest took a greater importance in his life at that time. A high school crush was peanuts in comparison.

"Not important to me? I loved you, Maddy...I STILL love you, for Christ's sake! Ever since I saw you at the firehouse, I can't stop thinking about you and it's driving me crazy to know you're with Severide," he said as he stood up from the couch. His eyes were wild and he was breathing heavily now. Matt walked over to me and grabbed my arms, his face inches from mine.

"Matt...please don't do this. You're a good man...and honorable guy who always does the right thing. Please understand," I said. I wanted to tell him I loved him too, but I was afraid we would end up hurting Kelly in the long run and he didn't deserve it.

"I am tired of being the good guy, Maddy. I was the good guy who stood up for my mother at her parole hearings and where did it get me? I ended up alienating my sister and sullying my father's memory. She was in violation of her parole within days of being released from prison. I did what I thought was a good thing and it came back to bite me in the ass. No more, Maddy...I'm standing up for myself and doing the right thing for me now," he said as he kissed me hard.

His hands held my neck firmly as he pressed his mouth to mine. I couldn't fight my body's response to him. I wrapped my arms around him and fervently returned his kiss. He pressed his body in close to mine and I could feel his erection on my leg as he held me. It was happening all over again.

"Maddy...please...I love you so much," he said. his voice hoarse with passion as he kissed my neck.

"God help me...I love you too...," I said. I didn't mean to say it out loud. I pulled away from him and covered my mouth with my hands. Tears spilled over onto my cheeks now as he stood there looking at me, his breathing still ragged.

"That's all I needed to hear," he said, trying to kiss me again.

"I think you should go now," I said, still crying. He nodded and gave me a knowing smile before grabbing his coat and walking out through the kitchen. As he opened the back door, I could hear the roar of a car engine speeding past the house. I looked out the living room window and caught a glimpse of a black car pulling away from the curb but could not make out the details of it through my tears and the rain that was now falling outside.

My head was spinning now. I sat back down on my couch and began to cry again thinking about what I had said and what Matt was going to do now. And I thought about Kelly. He didn't deserve any of what was coming, even though I had no idea what that might be. I walked upstairs, taking the sangria with me. It would be another sleeping pill night. I downed one with the wine, stripped off my clothes and crawled into bed. I prayed that God would show me the right way in all of this, but I had a feeling that this was beyond even His divine intervention.


	9. Chapter 10

CHAPTER 10

Friday came and I don't even remember making it through Thursday. I think I had mastered the art of sleepwalking these past two days. I hadn't heard anything from either Kelly or Matt since Wednesday, but I would be meeting Kelly tonight at Molly's. I had decided to tell Kelly everything...everything except that I was in love with Matt and had been for sixteen years. I had managed to live with that secret for nearly half my life now and I would continue to live with it for as long as Kelly and I were in a relationship. He deserved to know about the two kisses that Matt and I shared and hopefully, he would understand. We hadn't really talked about mine and Matt's relationship; in fact, we had never really talked about much since we met...at least not about anything personal. He knew I had been married; I knew he had been engaged once. He knew Matt and I had dated in high school; I knew he had dated a herd of women. That was pretty much it. Our conversations never went too deep.

I think Em was annoyed that I hadn't asked her to join Kelly and me at Molly's. She had been down since Michael left, but I was in no position to offer her comfort right now. My head was a complete mess. I hadn't even told her about the latest developments with Matt, even though she kept hounding me for information. I was thankful that Conway had assigned me the task of services coordinator for the last couple of days. I had to screen all new admissions into the hospital and offer them services and programs for their particular needs. The assignment kept me away from my desk for the better part of day. I was only at my desk first thing in the morning and last thing at night. I had even avoided having lunch with her and had snuck out to my car at the end of the day while she was in the ladies room. I just didn't want to talk about it.

By the time I got home on Friday, I was emotionally exhausted. I hadn't slept well since Wednesday night and that was due to alcohol and a sleep aid. I needed to lie down before going out with Kelly or I wouldn't make it much past 9:00 PM. I took off my clothes, set my phone alarm for 7:00 PM and laid on my bed. Before falling asleep, I decided to text both Kelly and Em.

"_Hi Em...sorry I've been such a poop lately. It's nothing you did or didn't do...it's me. My head is a mess right now and you can probably guess why. When I'm ready to talk about it, you'll be the first one I call. Love you, Mads xx"_

Hopefully, that would hold her until I was ready to spill my guts.

"_Hey handsome...I'm looking forward to seeing you tonight and blowing off some steam. It's been a rough week and there's a bottle of Grey Goose at Molly's with my name on it. See you later...M xx"_

More than likely, I would probably wake up to find a text from him asking me to blow something else. I smiled before I closed my eyes and drifted off into unconsciousness for a couple of hours.

I woke up at 7:30...I had thirty minutes to shower, change and drive to Molly's to meet Kelly. I checked my cell; no messages. I had exchanged more text messages in the last year since knowing Em and Kelly that the previous three years total, so it was unusual that neither one of them had answered me. I called Kelly to tell him I had fallen asleep and that I probably wouldn't get there until 8:30 or so. His phone went straight to voicemail, so I left a message. He was probably on his way there and couldn't hear me over the loud hum of his souped up Camaro. I quickly showered, fixed my face and put on one of Kelly's favorite outfits...black jeans, white t-shirt, black leather coat, matching scarf and leather boots with 3" heels. He'd forgive me for being late if I walked in wearing this.

I made the twenty minute drive to Molly's and arrived at 8:25. As I walked up the steps, my stomach let out a growl. I realized that I hadn't eaten since breakfast. I needed to eat something before I drank any alcohol or my ass would be on the floor after the first Cosmopolitan...and I intended to drink my fair share. I walked inside and scanned the room. It was wall to wall people and I was pleased for Dawson, Otis and Herrmann to see it so successful...less so for Otis because he annoyed me, but genuinely happy for the others.

"Madeleine...over here!" I heard Gabriela Dawson's voice calling me from behind the bar. She was standing on something that made her much taller that she was and she was waving me over to her.

"Hi Gabby...the place is packed! I'm so happy for you guys," I said.

"Thanks a lot. We worked really hard. Is Kelly with you?" she asked.

"No...I was supposed to meet him here at 8:00, but I'm a little late. He's not here yet?" I asked, trying not to sound concerned. Why hadn't he responded to my text or answered his phone?

"No, but neither is Shay. Maybe they're coming together. Can I get you something while you wait?" she asked.

"A Cosmopolitan...and some cheese fries...I'm starving!" I said. She laughed and told me my food would be out shortly. She mixed up my cocktail and poured it into a martini glass before setting it in front of me. I pulled out a twenty dollar bill from my wallet, but she waved me off.

"Put your money away. Any friend of Severide's is a friend of ours," she said. She was so much more friendly than Leslie Shay was. I had always suspected that Shay secretly wished she wasn't a lesbian and wanted Kelly all to herself. After less than ten minutes, Dawson brought out my food. I probably looked like a ravenous wildebeest as I shoveled the fries into my mouth and washed it down with the cocktail. I looked at my watch...8:50 PM. I decided I wasn't going to worry until it was absolutely necessary. I finished up my food and Dawson asked me if I'd like another Cosmo.

"Hell, yes!" I said.

"Yep...you are definitely Kelly's kind of girl," she said with a grin. "_Not really...but I've learned to adapt to my habitat,"_ I thought to myself. Just then, I felt a rush of cold air on my back as the door to the bar opened. I turned around to see Leslie Shay walking in. Kelly should be right behind her. I watched for him to strut into the bar. I was silently wagering that he'd shake hands with every guy and hug every girl, whether or not he knew them, before making a beeline straight to me. Several people followed in behind Shay, but Kelly wasn't one of them. Now I was beginning to panic.

Dawson called out to Shay over the loud music that was playing on the jukebox. She turned around and started to smile, but her face turned flat and emotionless when she saw me. She approached the bar and sat on the stool next to me.

"The usual?" Dawson asked her.

"Yeah...Corona Light," she said. She was purposely not looking at me and I'd had just enough vodka in me to say something to her.

"Have you got a problem with me, Shay?" I asked straight out. She looked like a deer caught in the headlights.

"No, Madeleine...not at all...you're Kelly's girlfriend and I respect that," she said. Yeah, right.

"He was supposed to meet me here, but he hasn't shown up yet. He's not with you, but do you know where he is?" I asked.

"Ummm...yeah. He asked me to tell you that he couldn't make it. He's sick in bed...stomach flu or something. He said he'd call you tomorrow," she said, sipping her beer. She seemed nervous to me, like she was hiding something.

"Why didn't he call me himself?" I asked.

"He probably fell asleep, Madeleine," she said, still not looking at me.

"Oh, really...he stayed awake long enough to ask you to tell me he was sick and wouldn't be coming, but not long enough to ask his iPhone to call mine?" I said. I was pissed now...and on my way to being slightly tipsy.

"I can't explain anything that Kelly Severide does," she said. What utter bullshit...and a cop out. I had been through way too much this week to put up with her petty, misguided jealousy or whatever game she was playing. I thanked Dawson and headed out of the bar when I ran into Matthew. He looked rough, but gorgeous. "_Goddamn him for doing this to me,"_ I thought.

"Maddy...hey...I've been meaning to call you. Can you sit for a few minutes?" he said softly.

"Yeah...I guess," I said. I had no intention of revisiting the whole "I love you and I love you too" incident from the last time I saw him, but he seemed hell bent on bringing it up. As we sat at a table in the corner, I could feel Leslie Shay's eyes following us. "_Fuck off, you skinny bitch," _I heard my inner voice say.

"I need to know where I stand, Madeleine. I can't keep going on like this. It's not fair to either of us," he said, sipping a dark beer. He only ever called me Madeleine when he was being serious.

"It's not fair to Kelly either, Matt. I meant what I said the other night, but there is nothing we can do about it, OK? I'm with Kelly now. I'm going to tell him that we kissed. He deserves to know. You'll just have to live with that...and if you feel you can't, then I don't think we can see each other as friends anymore," I said. I meant every word.

"But you love me, not Severide," Matt said, his voice becoming more urgent. Thank God the sound of the crowd drowned him out.

"I never said I didn't love Kelly, Matthew...," I said. I didn't love Kelly. I cared about Kelly, but I didn't think I could ever really love him, but I was willing to try. I owed him that much.I

"I love you, Maddy and now that I've found you again, I don't want to let you go," he said. My heart was breaking. I refused to cry. I had cried a river the last few days and I refused to give in to my emotions again.

"You don't have to let me go, Matthew...but it has to be just as friends or I won't do this," I said.

"If that's what it takes to keep you in my life, then I'll do it," he said, wiping his eyes.

"Thank you," I said. I got up to leave and he followed me to the door.

"We still on for tomorrow morning?" he asked.

"Tomorrow morning?" I said. I had no idea what he was talking about.

"I'm supposed to come over tomorrow to start your kitchen renovations." he said. I had forgotten all about that.

"Of course...but not too early, if that's alright. I need to catch up on my sleep," I said.

"Deal. I'll see you around 11:00, okay?" he asked. I nodded and turned to walk out. I didn't want to give him the chance to touch me, especially not with Leslie Shay watching our every move.

As I got into my car, I called Kelly's cell phone. Still no answer. I decided to drive uptown to his apartment to check on him. I needed to see him and let him know that he was important to me. He had been waiting patiently to hear these words from me and I had an overwhelming need to tell him tonight.

I parked in front of his building, locked my car and took the elevator to his 5th floor apartment. I knocked on the front door and waited. No answer. I tried the doorknob. Locked. I stood there for a few minutes thinking, then remembered there was a spare key on the top of the door frame. Kelly had used it to get in one night when he forgot his own keys at the gym. I stood on my tiptoes and reached up to the top of the door frame, feeling along its length. I located the key and let myself inside. It was dark, except for a the few small spotlights in the kitchen. I looked around the living room, but he wasn't there. I walked up the spiral staircase to the second floor where the bedrooms were. The door to his bedroom was ajar and the light was on. I could hear a few muffled sounds coming from inside. He was probably snoring. His dulcet tones had woken me up several times. I opened the door slowly and was greeted with the sight of Kelly's naked ass in the air. He heard the door squeak as it opened and he jerked his head around.

"Mads! Jesus Christ!" Kelly said. I stood there, unable to move. I watched in disbelief as he scrambled off from on top of the woman he was fucking and fumbled to wrap himself in a sheet. The dark haired woman he was banging let out a shriek as she bolted out of bed and into his closet. "_Classy broad,"_ I thought.

I quickly turned and ran back down the spiral stairs, trying not to break my neck in the process.

"Mads...wait!" I heard Kelly calling after me. I had made it to the front door and had opened it when he caught up with me. He pushed his body into me and slammed the door shut with his right hand, pinning me against it. I could feel his hot breath on my neck and I could smell her perfume on him. I wanted to vomit. He turned me around to look at him.

"You son of a bitch," I said, not batting an eyelash. I would not cry. I refused to.

"Mads...please...can we talk at least?" he asked. He was a such a clueless bastard.

"Talk? You want to talk now? With your little slut cowering in the closet? Go to hell, Severide," I said, trying not to raise my voice. He backed off slightly and I quickly turned and jerked the door as hard as I could. I needed to get the hell out of there.

"Oh, she's the slut? You should talk, Mads," said Kelly, raising his voice now.

"Fuck off, you bastard...and leave me alone," I said as I pressed the elevator button.

"This isn't over, Mads. You hear me?" Kelly yelled down the hallway at me. I stepped into the elevator and waited for the doors to close before turning around. If I had seen Kelly's face now, I would have burst into tears. Damn him. Damn all men.

I blindly drove back to my house. My mind was numb. I suddenly wished I could drink like Em because right now, I needed to pass out and forget tonight ever happened. I stripped my clothes off, climbed into bed and swallowed two sleeping pills. How dare he call me a slut. I was the furthest thing from a slut. Was he trying to turn it around on me and just flinging random insults? I laid there thinking and waiting for sleep to take me away from all of it and eventually it did. I prayed I would never wake up.


	10. Chapter 11

CHAPTER 11

I woke up slowly...and somewhat painfully, thanks in large part to the vodka from the night before and the fact that I had stayed in the same position since I got into bed. When it came to drinking, I was convinced that my head would give out long before my liver. I worked my brain harder far more often than I worked any other organ. It's why I was always in a personal upheaval. I sat up in bed and reached for my cell phone. I had shut it off before going unconscious last night. I wanted no sound, no sight and no memory of last night. Six missed calls, six missed messages and four texts. Sometimes I hated technology. No one is ever truly alone anymore, but even amidst all these messages, I felt utterly isolated. I felt just like I did the first time I walked into my apartment after Stephen had moved out. I was glad to be rid of the lying cheating bastard, but I was alone for the first time in five years and it felt strange.

I let my mind wander back to the events of last night. I still couldn't wrap my head around it. I never expected Kelly to betray me, even with all the warnings I'd received. I just passed it off as jealous ex-lovers trying to mess with my head. He was a decent guy and although he had a tendency to treat me like a plaything despite my 140 IQ, he was good to me and made me forget the pain of my divorce. I didn't love Kelly. I had always known that I wouldn't. He was a lovely diversion with whom I had amazing sex, but he was not the marrying kind...at least not the kind of guy I would marry. I wouldn't allow myself the luxury of falling in love again. I had loved twice in my life and I lost both times. Not a great track record. The thought that there was something inherently wrong with me began to take root in my overworked brain.

I couldn't understand why he would ever-so-slightly intimate that I was a slut. I hadn't been with any other men since he and I started dating. In fact, I had only been with four men in my entire life. I wouldn't classify that as "slut". Kelly didn't know how many man I had slept with. We never talked about that, mainly because he probably couldn't keep count of how many women he'd been with. If anyone was the slut in this relationship, it was him. Now, however, there was no relationship at all. I would not tolerate any man's infidelity again. I had come too far in reconstructing myself to let that happen. I don't care what excuse he wanted to use. It was over. I started to cry. Damn him for doing this to me.

Three text messages were from Kelly and one was from Em. I deleted Kelly's without reading them. I didn't care what he had to say. It would just be a bunch of bullshit excuses and justifications for his behavior. He could piss up a rope then hang himself with it for all I cared. Em's message came in after midnight. She never went to bed at a decent hour, that one.

"_It's OK, Mads...no need to apologize. I know what you've been going through hasn't been easy and I know my constant badgering and prying doesn't help. I also know that you're my bestest friend in the universe and that I'll always be there for you. I hope you know that too. Call me when you can. Love you, Em xx"_

At least that was one less fire that I had to worry about putting out. I knew she would understand. She always does. All the voicemail messages except one were from Kelly. Is he kidding? Did he really think bombarding me like this would help? Like hell it would and nothing he could say would change that. I was done and I didn't give a damn if he was or not. I deleted all but the last one. Morbid curiosity got the better of me and I decided to listen to what the son of a bitch had to say.

"_Mads...I don't really know where to begin here. I know I did a bad thing, but don't pretend like you didn't screw this up too. I saw you, Mads...I saw both of you, so don't act like you're innocent. This isn't over yet, so don't think it is..."_

"_Oh, it's over Lieutenant Severide,"_ I said out loud as I deleted it. I blocked all future calls and texts from him and I doubt he'd have the cajones to come over here. Who the hell had he seen me with and what could we have possibly done that would justify him sleeping with someone else? He had seen me with Matthew at the firehouse, but we only exchanged a couple of brief hugs there. There was nothing even remotely suggestive about them. I decided I wasn't going to waste anymore time on it. Whatever it was, I was convinced that he had made it up in his head. Kelly is the one that messed things up, not me. The only thing I was guilty of was sharing two kisses with Matt and he certainly hadn't seen those. If I hadn't found him in bed with someone else, I had every intention of telling him about them. He was the one who lied and kept secrets...not me.

I listened to the other voicemail message. It was an interior number from Chicago Lakeshore, but I didn't recognize it. It came in at 8:00 this morning and I began to panic. Maybe Em had an emergency on her weekend shift today and needed me.

"_Hello, Madeleine...this is Walter Addison, Administrator at Chicago Lakeshore Hospital. I'm sorry to bother you on a Saturday, but we've had an unexpected change in staff leadership and we need your help. As of Monday morning, I would like you to take over the position of Director of Assessment and Referral on a temporary basis, pending Board of Directors approval for the permanent position. I look forward to speaking with you first thing Monday morning. No need to call me back, but please meet me in my office at 8:00 on Monday to discuss details."_

Holy shit. Conway must have been fired. I remembered the muffled shouting match she and Addison had in her office last week. That had to be a prelude to her being fired...or quitting. I had to talk to Em. I looked at the clock on the bedside table...9:30 AM. Matthew would be here in an hour and a half. My mind began to race. Up until twelve hours ago, I had a plan of exactly how my life would be played out...Kelly and I would continue our relationship for as long as it lasted, Matthew was going to respect that so we could remain friends and he would renovate my kitchen, I would return to my little cubicle as a lowly caseworker at Lakeshore on Monday and Em and I would be best friends until the day we died. Right now, I was only sure of the last thing on that list. I dialed Em's cell.

"Can you come over like...NOW!?" I screamed into the phone when she answered.

"Jesus, what the hell happened, Mads? I'd love to come but I'm working today, remember? Jabba the Hut made me," said Em. I decided to make my first executive decision then and there.

"Call that little twit...the part timer...shit, what is her name? You know...short dark hair, chubby...the techie geek with the unibrow..." I said, floundering for her name. She was the most boring person in our office besides Conway and I wasn't interested enough in her as a person to ever remember her name. Cruel, yes...but also true.

"Margaret DeFreest? How can I do thhat? Jabba would have my ass if I called her in to replace me. I have no authority to do that," answered Em.

"Emily Morrison...you listen to me...call that weird little Margaret DeFreak and tell her that the Director of the department asked her to cover your shift beginning at 10:30 today...and then get your ass in your little beat up Honda and drive over here!" I said, running out of breath.

"Oh my fucking God! I'll be there in half an hour!" Em screamed into the phone before hanging up.

I jumped into the shower, pulled on some jeans and an oversized sweater and dried my hair in record time. I ran down the stairs to make sure the house was tidy and put on a pot of coffee. I mixed up a batch of cinnamon streusel muffins and threw them in the oven before running back upstairs to make myself presentable. I suddenly had a renewed sense of energy that seemed to come out of nowhere. As I looked at myself in the bathroom mirror, I reminded myself that I had made up my mind a long time ago to never let a man define me. Kelly Severide had cheated on me and I was not going to curl up into a ball and die.

"_Fuck him," _ I heard my inner voice say as I applied my make up. I was beginning to think my inner voice was hanging out with Em's outer voice a little too much. I heard Em's signature knock on my front door...her biker boot jamming into my kick plate. I went down the stairs and let her in.

"Tell me every goddamn detail, Madster! What the hell has been happening?" she asked as she tore off her coat and hat.

"Christ, Em...you look like you just came from a biker bar," I said.

"I took advantage of Jabba not being in the office and wore what I'm most comfortable in," she said with a grin on her face as she tugged at her baggy Metallica t-shirt. She was definitely one of a kind. I motioned for her to follow me into the kitchen. The entire house smelled of warm cinnamon and I took the muffins out of the oven as Em poured coffee. I checked the kitchen clock...10:45...I had fifteen minutes to fill her in.

"OK...here's the Reader's Digest version of the last thirty-six hours or so...Matt and I shared another 'pants on fire" kiss and admitted we still love each other but can't be anything more than friends right now...I went to Molly's last night and drank too much vodka...went to Kelly's apartment afterwards and caught him in bed with another woman...came home and swallowed two sleeping pills...woke up this morning to a phone call from Addison handing me Conway's job...and Matthew will be here in fifteen minutes to start renovations on my kitchen...WHAT THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?" I said, spitting it out so fast I almost forgot to breathe.

Em stood motionless in my kitchen, staring blankly at me with her mouth open, but not saying a word. It was a lot to absorb, I admit. In fact, I still hadn't absorbed most of it myself. I stood there, chewing a nail and checking my watch. Matthew was due any minute and I wanted her to release the string of curse words that I knew was building up inside her before he got there. He hadn't had the unusual pleasure of meeting Em yet and I hadn't thought to warn him what she was like beforehand.

"Say something, for Christ's sake!" I screamed at her. As she opened her mouth to speak, there was a knock on my back door. I whipped my head around to see Matthew standing there. "_Here we go," _I heard my inner voice saying. Em had a puzzled look on her face. "_Matthew"_, I mouthed to her as I walked to the back door.

"Right on time," I said as I let Matt into the kitchen. His broad smile made my knees buckle. He leaned in close, wrapped an arm around my waist and kissed my cheek. His scent...his smile...his everything.

"This is OK, isn't it?" he asked, whispering. He seemed slightly hesitant. Quite a change from a couple of nights ago when he rammed his tongue into my mouth.

"Always," I said softly, as I kissed his opposite cheek. He looked at Em and offered a smile and I wondered how she stayed upright. He was so beautiful and genuine...and most likely didn't have a 'cheating bastard' bone in his body. Em looked him up and down as if he were a specimen in a lab.

"Matt...this is Emily Morrison...my best friend. We work together at Lakeshore. Em...this is Matthew Casey...I've told you about him" I said, suddenly blushing and praying to God that she didn't say anything that would embarrass me.

"Hi Emily...it's nice to finally meet you. Maddy's talked about you a little," said Matt, extending his hand to her.

"It's Em...and Mads has told me a shitload about you," she said, taking his hand. My face went crimson.

"Have one of my muffins, Matt?" I asked, trying to divert attention from Em's comment, then realizing what I'd said. I wanted to fall through the floor. Em spit her coffee out and nearly choked to death.

"Oh, I think he'd like that," said Em, coughing and not cracking a smile. Matt tried to hide his grin, but failed miserably. I think it was safe to say that was the exact moment that he and Em bonded. She had always treated Kelly with polite indifference, but I had a feeling that she and Matt would get along just fine.

"I'm going to get to work now, Maddy. Your muffin is amazing, by the way," said Matt with an obvious smirk on his face. I couldn't look at either of them. They'd known each other two minutes and they were already sharing a laugh at my expense. Em sniggered into her hand as I stood there looking like a complete fool. Em grabbed my hand and dragged me into the living room.

"You can go for it now, Mads...you're a free woman and the love of your life is thirty feet away," Em said.

"My sheets haven't cooled off from Kelly yet, Em..it's too soon. Besides, I just read Matt the riot act last night about respecting mine and Kelly's relationship. If I tell him I want to be more than friends now, he'll think I'm completely nuts. I need time to adjust," I said.

"He doesn't know about you and Kelly?" she asked.

"I've only known about me and Kelly since 10:30 last night...no, he doesn't know and I'm not going to tell him right now. There's still things to settle with Kelly...things I need to say," I said.

"You think Matt is a patient man, Mads? Is he willing to wait until you're 'ready'? Are you comfortable with making him wait? I think the both of you would be chomping at the bit. You've waited sixteen years..and you don't seem that upset at breaking up with Kelly," she said. She was right. I wasn't really upset that Kelly and I were over; I was more upset at how we came to be that way. She was remarkably lucid for a Saturday morning. I was so used to her being left of center that this sudden stroke of reasoning threw me.

"I have no choice, Em. It has to be this way for now," I said.

"All I know is that man out there is the man you should be with. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to see that. I've known him for five minutes and it's obvious. Don't let him go again, Mads. You deserve to be happy," she said.

"I was happy...until last night," I said. I shut my eyes tightly, trying to get the image of Kelly and the dark haired woman out of my head. I think I would have felt a little better about the whole ugly situation if she had been blonde. Then at least I could kid myself into thinking that he wanted to be with a different version of me.

"No you weren't, Mads...not really. Yours and Kelly's relationship made you feel sexy and desirable again, but you hated the way you had to live on the edge. It's not you. In my opinion, which may not be worth much, you became happy when you and Matt reconnected. Your face lit up every time you talked about him. You've been given a second chance. They're rare, so don't screw this up," she said.

I hated it when she made more sense than I did. I was the level headed one, not her. I was the calm, rational one. She was the fly-by-the-seat-of-your-pants one. The table had been turned and I was suddenly faced with the reality of my life. Suddenly, there was a loud banging on the door, followed by my name being shouted.

"Mads...let me in! Come on, Mads...I want to talk to you," I heard Kelly's voice yelling. It was 11:30 AM and he sounded drunk. Em made a motion to me to stay put as she got up to answer the door.

"Kelly...go away. Madeleine doesn't want to see you right now," I heard Em say.

"Bullshit, Morrison...you can't keep me from her," Kelly said as he pushed past her and into my living room. I sat frozen on the couch looking up at him. He was disheveled and looked like he hadn't slept much.

"What do you want, Kelly? Why are you here?" I asked.

"You've blocked my calls. I had no choice, mads. He's here, isn't he? I saw his truck outside. Did you sleep together in your bed, Mads? Where you and I fucked?" he shouted at me.

"You have no right to judge her, Severide. She was not the one who was caught with some random piece of ass in her bed," Em said, shouting back at him.

"Shut up, Morrison...this is none of your business. She wasn't random, Mads...it was Renee Whaley, my ex-fiance. I turned to her because we have a history," he said, trying to justify what he'd done.

"You have a history with half the female population of Chicago, Kelly...that's not a valid excuse and it certainly doesn't make me feel any better," I said, trying to hold my temper.

"Just like you and Casey have a history...I saw you kiss him, Mads...I was on your porch a few nights ago and I saw you. No one kisses like that without ending up in bed," he said. I suddenly remembered the car that pulled away from the front of the house a few nights ago when Matt was here. I couldn't see it well because of the pounding rain.

"You goddamn fool, Severide." Em said, sarcastically. Just then, Matt walked into the living room. His eyes looked wild with anger. "_Jesus, please don't let them get into it here," _I thought to myself.

"I think you'd better leave, Severide," Matt said, remaining very calm.

"Why? So you can finally have her? I'll be damned if I'm going to just hand her over to you," Kelly bellowed at him.

"You really are one bone-headed son of a bitch, Severide. Maddy was the one who told me to back off...to respect your relationship because she couldn't betray you like that. She knows how much it hurts to be be betrayed by someone you care about...and now, thanks to you, she's feeling that pain all over again. You don't deserve her," Matt said, standing just inches away from Kelly.

"And I suppose you do?" Kelly replied as he moved towards Matt. He stumbled slightly, but caught himself before he fell.

"That's it, Severide. You're coming with me...I'm taking you home. You're in no condition to drive and I think you're done here," said Em.

"Are we, Mads? Are we done? Is that what you want?" Kelly asked, looking at me with those soulful blue eyes. Memories of the last two and a half months came flooding back at me. It was good, but it was superficial at best. I needed more than that from a relationship and even if Kelly were capable of more, he altered the path we were on by cheating. I could never trust him again.

"Please go, Kelly," I said, softly crying. To my amazement, he followed Em out to her car without a fight.

"I'm sorry you had to see that, Matt," I said, sitting back down on my couch and wiping my eyes with the sleeve of my sweater.

"I'm glad I was here, Maddy...he needed to hear the truth from someone other than you. Why didn't you tell me?" he said as he sat next to me.

"I was humiliated, Matt...cheated on by two men I trusted with my heart. What is wrong with me? Every man that I have ever cared about since you has hurt me. Am I not enough of a woman?" I started to cry harder now.

"Nothing is wrong with you, Maddy...you hear me? It was them. None of them were man enough for a real relationship. It was something they were lacking, not you. Please believe that. If you were mine..." he said before his voice trailed off.

"I have always been yours, Matthew...that's the problem," I said softly. It was true. I had loved no one but him since I was eighteen and I would probably never love anyone else for as long as I lived.

Without speaking, he moved closer to me and leaned his face into mine. His lips lightly brushed against mine, his nose grazing my cheek.

"And you have always been here," he whispered, holding his hand to his chest. His mouth quickly covered mine and within seconds, we were in the midst of another kiss that set my thighs on fire.

"No...no...I want to do this right," Matt suddenly said, as he pulled away from me.

"What are you doing, Matt? It felt pretty right to me," I said, sounding confused.

"I just want to make you feel special, that's all. Wait here a minute," he said as he walked into the kitchen. My cell phone rang and I picked it up from the coffee table. It was Matt.

"Hello?" I answered. What the hell was he doing?

"Hi Maddy...this is Matt Casey. I'd like to take you out to a romantic dinner tonight. I can pick you up around 7:00 PM. Would that be OK with you?" he asked. I couldn't help but smile. He was so sweetly old fashioned. I liked that. It was a nice change from most of the men in my life.

"Yes, Matt...I'd love to go to dinner with you," I said.

"Good! I'll see you at 7:00, then...and get dressed up," he said before hanging up and walking back into the living room.

"You're crazy, Matthew Casey," I said as I wrapped my arms around his neck.

"Crazy in love with you, Madeleine Coventry...and this is just the beginning," he said before kissing me again.

As I watched him drive away, I could feel myself coming to life again. I felt excited, nervous and happier than I had in a long time. Goddamn that Emily...she was right after all.


	11. Final Chapter

CHAPTER 12

For the rest of the day, I was caught between two worlds...the one in which Kelly Severide and I had split up and the one in which Matt Casey and I may finally be together after a sixteen year separation. As happy as I was, I couldn't help but think about Kelly. I had never seen him like that before. I wasn't entirely sure if he was upset because I told him it was over or because he got caught in bed with his ex-fiance. Kelly didn't love me; that much I knew...but he did care about me and probably more than I cared about him. I knew our 'thing' wasn't going to last and I was okay with that from the beginning. What was important was that he made me laugh and made me feel beautiful and sexy after years of feeling inadequate. I would always be grateful to him for that. I honestly didn't want to end it, but I would never tolerate being cheated on...not ever again. I trusted that Em would give him an earful on their drive back to his apartment...and she would see that he was alright before she left him alone. I also had a distinct feeling that I would eventually hear from Leslie Shay. She'd probably bitch me out about how I devastated him and he was a broken man now...blah blah blah She would conveniently forget how she lied for him so he could take Renee Whaley to bed without my knowing. I didn't like Shay...not even a little bit.

I began to panic a little about what I would wear tonight on our first official date. I wanted to look perfect for Matt and I was no longer the bright eyed eighteen year old girl he had dated. Up until now, the only time we had spent together was as old friends...not boyfriend and girlfriend, despite those deeply intense kisses. The idea that I would be Matt Casey's girlfriend again sent a tingle up my spine. If the kisses we shared were any indication, then he wanted it just as much as I did. We were so perfect together back then, but it was a long time ago and I'm sure we had both changed. Maybe it wouldn't work out the way I had hoped, but at least I could put old ghosts to rest by trying.

I walked upstairs to draw a bath. I needed a good long soak in a bubble bath. The events of the morning had taken their toll on me and I needed the feel of slipping into hot soapy water to unwind. As the tub was filling, I opened my closet to choose an outfit for the evening. I had no idea where we were going, but Matt had told me to dress up so I pulled out my knee-length black velvet dress with the long sleeves and scoop neckline. I searched through the enormous pile of shoes on the floor of the closet and found my favorite Jimmy Choo black patent leather pumps. I chose a black cashmere wrap to go with it. I rummaged through my lingerie drawer and found sheer black thigh high stockings, black lace bra and panties and matching garter belt. If for some reason things didn't work out for me and Matthew, at least I would go out in style for this one night.

I looked at the clock on the bedside table...4:15 PM...plenty of time to bathe, dress and try to calm my nerves before Matt arrived at 7:00 PM. I slipped into the tub, closed my eyes and took a few deep breaths. The jasmine scented water soothed my wound up nerves and sore body. As I lay there in the sea of bubbles, the reality of it all hit me. I was now acting Director of Assessment and Referral at Lakeshore. This position would mean a substantial increase in salary, moving into that amazing corner office and I'd never have to work weekends again. I was out of the trenches and in the corporate sector now...at least as of Monday morning at 8:00.

My father's 70th birthday was Monday. I had planned to bake him his traditional double chocolate cake and cook his favorite dinner that night. The events over the last day or so had messed up my head and I hadn't been able to get to the grocery store to buy all the necessary ingredients. I also had no idea what was in store for me on Monday at work. I decided to call Dad to postpone it by a week.

"Hello, Daddy," I said as I heard him pick up the house phone. He refused to buy a cell phone, believing they were a fad. He was so annoyingly yet charmingly old fashioned.

"Hey, pumpkin! What's up?" he asked. Jesus, if he only knew. I wasn't ready to tell him about Kelly and me. He and Kelly got along well and he would probably be thrown by the news. The irony in this was that he also adored Matt when he and I were dating in high school. It would be too much for him to process right now. I decided to lead with the news of my promotion.

"I'm calling because I have to postpone our dinner Monday night," I said.

"You OK, pumpkin? Don't worry your old man," he said. He was always looking out for me, even now when he was the one that needed looking after.

"I'm fine, Daddy...really. It's just that I've been unexpectedly promoted to Director of the department at Lakeshore beginning on Monday morning. I have a meeting first thing Monday to talk with the hospital CEO and my orientation may keep me later than normal," I said.

"That's great, Maddy...I'm so proud of you," he said. My father has always been my greatest champion.

"Thanks, Daddy. How about a week from today? A nice Sunday dinner. Your beef stroganoff and double chocolate cake?" I said.

"I'm easy to please, pumpkin...sounds good to me. Is that handsome fireman of yours still gonna be able to make it?" he asked. Shit. I had forgotten I had invited Kelly. I didn't relish the idea of talking to him right now. Besides, I doubt he'd have the balls to show up at my father's house now. Of course, I didn't think he'd have the balls to show up at my house after last night, but he proved me wrong.

"I don't know, Daddy...he may be on duty. I'll have to ask him," I said, temporarily postponing the inevitable. He and Kelly had bonded over their love hockey and good cigars. They had shared many a beer watching games together in the last couple of months. Knowing that Kelly and I were over may break his heart. I just couldn't tell him right now.

"OK pumpkin. I'll see you next Sunday then. Love you, honey," he said.

"Love you too, Daddy," I said. I loved my father more than anyone else in the whole world. I would move Heaven and Earth for him. The bath was cooling off quickly and my skin was beginning to prune, so I washed my hair and got out of the tub. Matthew would be here in less than two hours and I needed every minute to make myself as close to perfect as I could at the ripe old age of thirty-four.

After nearly two hours of primping and preening, I was ready. I had put my hair up in a French twist and fastened it with a pearl comb. My mother had always told me that pearls were classy and for every one of my birthdays before she died, she gave me pearl jewelry. I chose a single strand pearl choker and pearl and diamond stud earrings. As I was spraying myself with perfume, the doorbell rang. I looked at my watch...6:55 PM. My heart began to pound furiously. I applied lip color and gave myself a final check in the mirror before heading downstairs. As I approached the door, I could see Matt through the glass. My heart practically stopped at the sight of him. He was in a black suit, white dress shirt and black striped tie. He looked absolutely beautiful and it was odd how similarly we were dressed.

"Wow...Maddy...you are stunning," he said, holding his hand to his chest, as he walked into the entry hall. His eyes moved up and down from my head to my toes.

"You said to dress up, so..." I said, turning around for him slowly.

"I did...and you nailed it," he said. He approached me slowly, stopping just in front of me and pulling out a bouquet of white tea roses. He was full of surprises. He followed me into the kitchen as I put them in water.

"Let's go," he said as he extended his hand to me. I wrapped the cashmere pashmina around me, picked up my clutch bag and slipped my hand into his. I hadn't held his hand in a very long time and the feel of his fingers closing over mine felt right. He led me out the door and as I approached his truck, his look changed slightly.

"Maddy...would you mind if we take your car? It's more suited to how we look and where we're going," he said. Matt was not even slightly pretentious and I didn't hesitate to hand him my keys. I wanted to tell him that his Chevy truck was a step up from Kelly's noisy and dirty Camaro, but I didn't. The less mentioned about Kelly Severide, the better.

"Where are we going?" I asked after driving for a few minutes.

"You'll find out soon enough. Tell me what's new in your life while we drive there," he said, changing the subject. OK...he wants to play a little. I can do this.

"Well...let's see. I'm having my kitchen renovated. The new contractor came this morning, but I may have to let him go. He left after only a couple of hours of work and made quite a mess too," I said, grinning like an idiot. He cocked his head and looked at me sideways.

"Very funny, you..." he said. I was pleased with my little joke and giggled like a school girl.

"What's new in your life, Matt?" I asked, expecting him to retaliate with his own cheap joke at my expense.

"Well...let me think...I reconnected with an old girlfriend from high school and from the moment I saw her again, I haven't been able to stop thinking about her," he said without cracking a smile. I was stunned into silence as he picked up my hand and kissed the back of it. I could feel tears welling up in my eyes. "_Don't cry, Madeleine...you'll ruin your mascara," _I told myself. I was deep, but shallow too.

"Fulton's on The River? I am impressed, Mr. Casey," I said as we drove up front. Fulton's was a famous steakhouse with gorgeous views of the river and the skyline of downtown Chicago. It was one of those places you always wanted to go but never did.

"You ain't seen nothing yet, Ms. Coventry. Stay right there," he said. He walked around to my side of the car and opened the car door. As I got out, he took my hand and handed the keys to the valet. With Kelly, I'd be lucky if he'd waited for me to get out of the car before going in.

We were seated at a table for two with a breathtaking view of the city. The lights from the high rises were reflected in the river, sparkling in the rippling water. The restaurant was dimly lit, with only a small candle flickering in the center between our place settings. Matt pulled out my chair for me. I had been with Kelly so long that I had forgotten what it was like to have a man act like a gentleman.

"Amazing view, isn't it?" I said, looking out the large glass window next to our table.

"Yes, it certainly is," said Matt, looking at me and not the Chicago River. I felt my cheeks flush slightly, just like they did whenever he complimented me when I was eighteen. As I looked at the menu, Matt ordered a bottle of champagne. I was surprised by his extravagance. Kelly's favorite thing to order was a pitcher of beer, which I didn't drink. Thinking back now, he and I were so different. We didn't click on many things except sex and you can't build a relationship on that. At least I couldn't. I'm sure Kelly would be happy with just a 'fuck buddy', but I needed more than that.

The waiter arrived with our champagne and filled two crystal flutes for us. After he took our order, Matt raised his glass in a toast.

"What are we toasting this time?" I asked as I raised my glass to his.

"To finding something that was lost," he said, smiling. I offered a smile back to him, even though I would have preferred to jump across the table and kiss him furiously. We tapped our glasses together and sipped our drinks. So much for me thinking it was too soon after Kelly and my split to even consider being with Matthew.

"I've been feeling like I've found a missing piece of a puzzle," I said.

"Me too, Maddy...taking your hand tonight felt like I had come home again after being away for a long time," he said, sliding his hand across the table to mine. We intertwined our fingers together and stared at each other. Our reverie was broken when the waiter approached with our food. We ate for a few minutes in silence until Matt spoke.

"Of all the relationships I've had in my life, ours was the one that was most important to me. Nothing measured up afterwards," he said. I was surprised at the revelation. It was so strange to hear that he had had the same problems that I did all these years. In a matter of a couple of weeks, we had gone from thinking we had both forgotten about each other to rekindling our teenage romance. I was guilty of romanticizing what he and I had back then, which was one of the problems between Stephen and I. I suspected it had also been a problem between him and Hallie.

"Are we completely crazy, Matthew...to have compared all of our other relationships with what you and I had as kids? Most people would argue that two teenagers who claim they're in love are just foolish," I said.

"I don't know, Maddy...but what I do know is that the memory of you colored everything I did or said with anyone else...right or wrong. You wanted the same things as I did and I never found anyone else who thought that way," he said.

"But how do we know we still want those same things, Matt? So many years have gone by now. We've grown up...led separate lives. People change," I said. I was surprised by my own doubts as the words tumbled from my mouth. It was something that had to be said. If I was going to be disappointed, I'd prefer it was sooner rather than later.

"Just answer me this...do you still want a somewhat traditional life...marriage...children...family vacations...Sunday dinners...those kinds of things?" he asked, point blank. I had to stop and think about this. I had dreamt of marrying Matt and having children with him, but when I was married to Stephen, the last thing I wanted to do was bring a child into the world with him. As I looked into Matthew's eyes, the answer was staring me in the face.

"I didn't want any of that for a while, but that had more to do with the relationship I had with Stephen. Seeing you...being with you again...has made me realize I still want those things," I said without looking up at him. I wasn't sure where my emotions were taking me or if it was even safe to go there with them. Neither Matt nor I knew if we would end up together in the long run.

Before he could say anything more, I asked him a question I desperately needed an answer to ever since he mentioned him and Hallie wanting different things.

"Now let me ask you...would you still support the woman in your life in her career? Encourage her to advance herself and take advantage of every opportunity that was offered?" I said. He had embraced those feminist mores once, but he was an idealistic teenager back then who also had a headstrong girlfriend. I needed to know how he felt now as an adult.

"Absolutely, Maddy. That hasn't changed. If there is one thing I learned from my relationship with Hallie, it was not to push someone to alter their plans to fit mine," he said. He looked deadly serious. He had never lied to me before, so I had no reason to doubt him now. Matthew Casey had grown into quite a man.

When we finished our food, the waiter approached us and asked if we cared for coffee and dessert. Matt told him we had other plans for dessert and I felt another shiver run up my spine at the thought of what his 'other plans' might be. The idea of making love to him had been firmly planted in my brain for most of my adult life. To have it finally happen would be another thing entirely and I didn't want to get too far ahead of myself. There was also the possibility that he had a chocolate cake waiting for us at his house and we were actually going to have dessert.

We left the restaurant, taking a drive along the Chicago River and eventualy ended up in front of Matthew's house.

"Dessert is inside," he said. My heart started to pound harder as I walked up the cement stairway and inside the entry hall. He took my wrap and threw it on his couch with his suit coat then took my hand and led me to the dining room. He walked over to the sideboard and switched on his iPod that was sitting in the cradle of a dock. Tony Bennett started to sing.

"_Some day, when I'm awfully low,_

_When the world is cold,_

_I will feel a glow just thinking of you_

_And the way you look tonight..."_

"Sit...I'll be right back," he said, pulling out a chair for me. He disappeared to the kitchen for a few minutes, then came back with a platter and two glasses on a tray. As he set them down, I could see that the platter was full of Double Stuf Oreos and the glasses were full of milk. As I stared at them in disbelief, Matt began to laugh.

"You remember?" he said, through his laughter. I did remember. He had taken me out to dinner for Valentine's Day and he didn't have enough money for dessert, so we went back to his house afterwards and had fed each other Double Stuf Oreos and milk.

"Of course I do. It's why I taught myself to make fancy desserts," I said as I picked a cookie up and shoved it in his mouth. He offered me a cookie, then we picked up our glasses of milk, intertwined our arms and drank. We were both laughing hysterically and spraying milk and spitting bits of cookie all over each other. He grabbed a napkin from the sideboard so we could wipe up our mess and our mouths.

"Dance with me?" he asked, extending his hand to me.

My heart melted at that moment. He looked incredibly handsome and he was charming and old fashioned. He was so different from Kelly in so many ways. In short, he was a complete gentleman and I loved that about him; I always had. We swayed slowly to the music; Matt's face pressed into my neck, one hand in mine and the other at the small of my back. The scent of his cologne filled my head. I closed my eyes and pressed my lips to his ear as Tony Bennett continued his song.

"_Yes you're lovely, with your smile so warm_

_And your cheeks so soft,_

_There is nothing for me but to love you,_

_And the way you look tonight..."_

Matt suddenly stopped dancing and looked at me. I thought my heart would stop.

"_With each word your tenderness grows_

_Tearin' my fear apart_

_And that laugh that wrinkles your nose_

_Touches my foolish heart..."_

"You still have a little chocolate there," he said, sniggering slightly. He raised his hand to my mouth and wiped at the corner of it with his thumb.

He continued to rub the edges of my lips, tracing my mouth from left to right. He studied my mouth for a few minutes before looking into my eyes. Without saying a word, he leaned in and kissed me. He placed his hands on either side of my neck, holding me firmly and pushing his tongue between my lips. I could feel the familiar ache shoot through my body as he hands moved from my neck to my back. As we kissed each other, I slowly undid his tie and began to unbutton his dress shirt. I slid my hands inside and rubbed his chest. I hadn't touched his body in sixteen years and I was pleasantly surprised at the feeling of hair under my hands. His chest had been as smooth as a baby's bottom as a teenager. He deepened his kiss as my fingers caressed his nipples. His hands slid down my body and slowly pulled up my dress until his hands were resting on the black lace panties that covered my behind. He pressed his body to mine and I could feel his erection on the top of my hip.

"I'm not going to let you stop me this time, Maddy," he whispered into my mouth as he kissed me slowly.

"I'm not even going to try," I whispered back to him as tears rolled down both my cheeks. I had loved this man for most of my life and I vowed then and there that I would never let him go again.

My heart was pounding so hard I was sure that he could hear it as he reached around behind me and unzipped my dress and let it slip to the floor. I was caught between feeling like a virgin showing herself to the man she loved for the first time and a bitch-in-heat dominatrix and I didn't know which one he would prefer. He reached around and unfastened my bra and cupped my breasts with his hands, running his thumbs over my nipples. I dropped my head back and closed my eyes. I had dreamt about Matthew putting his hands on me for a long time and reveled in the feel of his gentle touch. He traced the skin of my neck with his lips, moving slowly downwards. His tongue swirled around my left nipple and a small muffled moan escaped my lips. His hands came to rest on my hips and his fingers played with the top of my panties. My body felt as though it were on fire as he slowly slid them down my legs and to the floor. I stood there in only a garter belt, thigh high stocking and stiletto heels. I felt my face get hot as his eyes moved over my body.

"You're so beautiful, Maddy," he whispered. I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes. It had been a long time since a man took the time to look at me this way. He approached me slowly and pushed at my hips until I was sitting on the dining room table. His hands slid down from my hips to the inside of my thighs, gently pushing them apart. He stood between my legs and I could hear him breathing. He stuck the index and middle finger of his right hand in his mouth and sucked on them before gently sliding them between my legs. I could hear myself moan as his fingers moved inside me and his thumb lightly caressed my clitoris.

"You taste good...I always knew you would," he said as he stuck his fingers in his mouth again. Matthew Casey had become quite a man, indeed...a gentleman and a naughty boy all rolled into one.

He unbuckled his belt and unzipped his pants, letting them drop to the floor and revealing his erection. He was uncircumcised which I didn't expect. I had never been with a man who had not been circumcised before, not that it mattered to me. Matthew was proving to be different from any other man in many ways and it made me love him even more. He leaned in close, kissing me urgently. I wrapped my legs around the small of his back and dug my nails into the skin of his shoulders. His face was locked on mine and he suddenly lifted me up off the dining room table and carried me through the living room and up the stairs to his bedroom. My heart was pounding wildly as he put me down on the bed and laid on top of me. I wrapped my legs around him again as he lifted my hips up to his. With one swift motion, he thrust himself inside me. At last, we belonged to each other in the most personal way two people can. No matter what happened after this, there was no altering that now.

I moaned softly as he thrust in and out of me, changing the angle of my hips to meet his every move. His hands gripped me tightly around the waist and the look on his face was intense. Every nerve ending in my body was alive and I could feel my orgasm approaching. I reached out for him, wanting to hold him close to me now. He dropped me down to the bed and pushed himself between my legs again lying on top of me. He moved in and out of me slowly, watching my face closely as he did. As my orgasm hit, I arched my back and bucked underneath him, digging my nails into his flesh. I cried and screamed out as my orgasm enveloped me, shooting from between my thighs, down my legs and arms and into my wrists. I felt it everywhere. He groaned as he felt me coming and within seconds, I could feel him release inside me. He continued to thrust until every drop was released, grunting with each movement he made, then collapsed on top of me, breathing heavily. Overcome with emotion, I could not stop my tears from flowing.

Matthew wrapped his arms underneath me, holding me close to him. He covered my face and neck with soft kisses and when he saw that I was crying, he became concerned.

"Are you alright, babe?" he asked, brushing my tears away with his fingertips.

"It's just you and me...together like this after so long," I said, still crying. He pulled me closer and nuzzled my neck. He put his lips to my ear and whispered.

"I love you, Maddy...so much," he said, his voice cracking slightly.

"I love you too, Matthew...I always have," I said. He crushed his mouth to mine one more time before pulling the bed covers over us.

"Come here," he said, raising his arm as he lay back down. I snuggled close into the crook of his arm, resting my hand in the middle of his chest. I could hear his heart beating and once again, I wept. I drifted off the sleep to the feel of his steady breathing underneath me. I was finally where I belonged.

I awoke to the sound of rain falling on the tin roof of Matt's house. It was dark in the bedroom even though the blinds were open. I could feel the warmth of Matt's body against my back and his right arm was draped over me. I took his hand and brought it to my lips, kissing it lightly. So many thoughts running through my head. I thought of all the baggage that was in the room with us and hoped that it wouldn't mess up the memory of last night.

"Good morning, you..." I heard Matt say suddenly. I rolled over to face him and he greeted me with a soft, deep kiss. My body ignited.

"What are you thinking about?" he asked as he looked into my eyes. I never could hide anything from him. He had always instinctively known what I was thinking.

"Us...this..." I said hesitantly, not wanting him to think I had any regrets about last night.

"What about this? It's what you want, isn't it?" he asked, looking slightly worried.

"Oh God yes, Matt...of course. I just don't want to be someone who fills the void that Hallie left," I said. I couldn't play second best, not after all these years.

"Oh Maddy...don't you know by now that Hallie was the one that filled the void that YOU left? All I want is you...you're all I've ever wanted," he said. He gently rolled me on my back and crawled on top of me, kissing me hard. As he was about to enter me, my cell phone went off.

"I have to answer it...it may be Addison" I said, trying to get my breathing under control.

"I'm staying right here," he said with a wicked grin. I answered the call. It was Em.

"Well?" I heard her scream into the phone. I mouthed the word "Emily" to Matt and he rolled his eyes.

"Great timing, that one," he said.

"I can't really talk now, Em...I'll call you tonight, OK?" I said.

"Oooooo... morning wood and morning dew,eh?" she said, sniggering.

"Goodbye, Em..." I said, hanging up.

"Now where were we?" I said, wrapping my arms around him. We made love again. It wasn't a dream. It was my real grown up life finally playing out the way I had imagined it always would.

"I'm going to shower and make you breakfast. Stay right there," Matt said. He kissed me before he got out of bed. As he turned the shower on, my cell phone rang again. "_Dammit, Em," _I muttered as I saw Em's number on the caller ID.

"Emily Morrison! What don't you understand about the words 'I'll call you later'?" I said.

"Mads...it's Kelly. Don't hang up...please. I'm not letting you go this easy...I can't...and you can tell Casey that for me, too..." he said before hanging up.

I laid there staring at the ceiling, unable to move or speak or think. All the pieces of my real grown up life that had just been put into place were suddenly ripped apart again.


End file.
